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David in NYC

Interesting column, and I know what you mean. To put it another way, this sounds like a real-world version of one of my favorite semi-joking observations:

Q: What does a true sadist do to a true masochist?

A: Absolutely nothing.


Enjoy your search!


I think it comes down to pushing limits, playing with those edges. Even with something pretty directly physical, there's ultimately an emotional limit; finally giving up that level of control and letting go is a good expression of it. You're giving up to the process. And it's in the process where you can continue to take it deeper without simply increasing the obvious pain. Deliberately layering emotional or mental elements (i.e. mindfucks) can help push those limits when you've reached literal physical limits (like potentially breaking bones, rather than just outright pain).


Thank you for this most intimate post Greta.

I can relate on all levels and in doing so can only add this.
I am a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.
That being said, when i am in that place where i long to be, my skin is stripped away and i am no longer seeing with my eyes, hearing with my ears or feeling with my skin.

I am free.



I know exactly what this feels like. I LOVE CBT and my ex could make me squirm like crazy. There were two levels: the endorphin-y and the if-you-don't-stop-i'm-going-to-have-to-safeword.

I loved taking it. I'd have to continue to pleasure her while she made me feel agony.

It got to the point where we trusted each other enough that I couldn't safeword. (I am always reticent to admit that, cos it's so taboo to some people, but we never did anything outside of SSC)

I loved saying "red! red! RED REDREDREDREDRED!" and she wouldn't stop.

But your paradox was there. I loved it, I was her toy, at her whim, but I enjoyed it so conversely it wasn't enough.

I don't think it's never enough. Like you mentioned, the in-your-head fantasies are what we strive to feel in the real world and we never get close.

But we never stop trying!

Isodore Ducasse

Could a more developed verbal component help reset the limits? Becoming another person's fucktoy involves you; when the situation shifts from you breaking down into submission to your actually becoming inert and irrelevant (outside of your physical self), you're no longer there. There is a desired endpoint that extinguishes the desirer. If you keep protesting, finding reserves of resolve...or if you rp well enough to set a very low threshold for what you will can take, possibly you could talk yourself into having more than you want become something that could easily be exceeded again and again. I know, it's still episodic, but as you so eloquently stated, you're looking for episodes.

Angel Kaida

I don't have anything helpful or interesting to offer, but I'm a sub who has been alone for six months after six years of always having at least one dom, living in a small town with very few friends who have even the slightest comprehension of the strange stuff I'm into. It's lonely out here. So I really, really needed this post. It's good to remember that other people have similar experiences and dilemmas and needs, and you beautifully articulated some of the things I can only think of wordlessly. Thanks, Greta.

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