Can Watching Porn Be Cheating?

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

In a monogamous relationship, is it reasonable to expect your partner to not watch porn?

There was a recent letter to Scarleteen, the sex advice and information site for teenagers and young people. In this letter, the querant was upset because her boyfriend (a) watched porn, and (b) would soon be going on a road trip with his buddies in which he might be getting lap dances. The querant was upset about this -- partly because she was a feminist who thought these activities were sexist, and partly because it triggered insecurities about her own body and made her feel inadequate.

Scarleteen's reply? Feminism doesn't automatically mean you're anti-porn -- there's a wide range of feminist views about pornography -- and enjoying porn doesn't automatically make you sexist. When it comes to the details of your relationship and the agreements you make about sexual activity outside it -- from porn/ lap dances/ other sexual entertainment to flat-out non-monogamy -- you need to decide what would be your ideal, what would be on your "absolutely not" list, and what you're willing to compromise on. And you need to recognize that your partner has as much right to their version of this list as you do to yours -- and then see if you can negotiate a common ground.

Which sounds perfectly reasonable at first.

And then I started thinking about it.

Normally I adore Scarleteen, and recommend them unreservedly as a source of sex info and advice. And I feel a bit churlish calling them out on this one, since I found out about it because they were kind enough to link to me in their "wide range of feminist views of porn" section. If their advice had been about almost any other form of sexual activity, I would have been right there with them. And when it comes to the lap dances, I think their perspective is valid.

But when it comes to porn, I think they missed the boat.

I'm going to go out on a limb here:

I don't think anyone has the right to expect their partner not to watch porn.

Why not? Well, let me put it this way. Do people have the right to expect their partners not to masturbate? Or, for that matter, do people have the right to expect their partners not to watch reality TV or read true crime? On their own time, when they don't have any obligations and their partner isn't around?

And if not -- then why on earth would anyone have the right to expect their partner not to watch porn?

Even in a very close, seriously committed relationship, people have some basic rights to privacy and autonomy. What they do all by themselves, on their own time, in ways that don't have any significant impact on anybody else -- that is entirely their own damn business. Trying to regulate your partner's porn watching is like trying to regulate what they read, what movies they watch, what art they see. No -- it's not like that. It is that. That is exactly what it is. The fact that the content of the writing or the movies or the art is sexual is irrelevant. Trying to regulate your partner's cultural pleasures is like trying to regulate their imagination. And that's just as true of pornographic cultural pleasures -- and the sexual imagination.

There are some obvious exceptions. If your partner's porn-watching is seriously affecting your sex life? If their porn is making them dissatisfied with you, or is creating unreasonable expectations about what sex and bodies are supposed to be like? If they're watching porn to the exclusion of having sex with you? Or if they're watching porn so much that it's interfering with their personal or professional life, or is making them spend themselves into serious financial trouble? That's different.

But "I feel threatened and insecure when my partner watches porn, therefore I have the right to expect them to stop"? I don't see it. I mean, would it be reasonable to expect your partner not to watch "American Idol" because it made you feel threatened and insecure about your own singing ability? Even if your partner loved your singing, and made that clear in word and deed, and continued singing with you as much as they ever did?

And if not -- then why is porn any different?

If you feel insecure and bad about your body and your sexuality -- I completely sympathize. I've been there, I'm still there sometimes, and it sucks. But there are better ways of dealing with that insecurity and inadequacy than expecting your partner to forgo private, independent activities that don't involve anyone else, and that have nothing to do with you. There are reasonable compromises that we can ask of our partners in our relationships. This is not one of them.

(Follow-up to this piece appears tomorrow.)

Comments

[NewEnglandBob]

Greta, you got this exactly correct.

[Leo]

I'm not all that sure.

First, we have especially strong emotions when sex is involved (the Pon Farr hypothesis), so there's a burden of proof on "porn is just like American Idol with sex instead of songs".

Second, some demands (sexual and otherwise) are reasonable. I'm never, ever, going to be in a sexual relationship with a smoker, because it turns me off. That's not morally right, and if there was a magical pill to change that, I'd take it; but as it stands, smoking is on my "no way" list. Why should porn be different?

Third, most girls I know expect their boyfriends not to watch porn (which of course leads to them hiding it, not stopping). Calling a huge group of people wrong is not done lightly (we can do it on e.g. religion because we have a mountain of evidence).

Fourth, if it's not okay to say "Don't watch porn", we need to specify a way to deal with the associated emotions. There are whole books on dealing with jealousy in non-mono relationships; you can't just tell someone "I watch porn, deal with it." if they have strong feelings about it.

I don't see the problem with porn (and I suspect you don't either), so I'd like to see an explanation of "Why porn irks me" before I say porn is A-OK.

[Maria]

you can't just tell someone "I watch porn, deal with it." if they have strong feelings about it.

Why can't I say that? They don't have to be with me if they have such strong feelings about it.

[James Claims]

While I do agree with your main thesis that porn is ok, I am suspect about just how easy it is to keep porn watching activities completely independent of the relationship. If it is not that easy or is not generally the case, then a partner defaulting to suspicion about another's porn habits is not entirely unwarranted.

Let it be noted that I am not saying that it is conceptually impossible or impossible in practice for one to keep porn from affecting a relationship. What I'm interested in is just how often this is the case and how easy it is to do so. My worry is that while there are some people who can maintain a healthy attitude toward porn, it may an exception.

If it is an exception to the general rule, then that places a far higher burden on the person who watches porn to demonstrate that there is no interference. That is, they cannot implicitly assume that they are beyond reasonable suspicion and must instead provide some demonstrable proof. In this case, saying "deal with it" won't be the most productive thing to do. But I am not claiming that this really is the general case. I'm just raising some suspicions about whether a proper attitude is decidable without some empirical investigation.

Additionally, there may not be a general case. In which case there is no specific answer one can always give. Instead, it becomes a case by case issue which requires the partners to have a reasonable conversation with each other instead of imposing demands on one another. That may be rather unsatisfying as an answer, but like so many things in life, there's no one correct answer.

[Iamcuriousblue]

Leo:

Why is the burden of proof on porn users to prove its not harmful? Because the anti-porn movement has trotted out a host of half-assed propaganda and biased studies demonstrating the "harms" of porn? And now the burden is on viewers and proponents to falsify this?

I don't think so. I think its incumbent on the antis to demonstrate their case, considering the low quality of evidence and argumentation they've so far provided.

[hoverfrog]

I think that it is entirely appropriate to want your partner to not watch reality TV. We have to have some standards. ;)

What someone chooses to do with their time and their body is up to them. We don't have ownership of other people just because we're lovers. However if someone does have concerns about time spent in any activity that excludes them then surely the appropriate response is to discuss it.

Maybe you could watch some porn together. Maybe you can agree on the amount of space that you each need. You'll never know till you talk about it and keeping it a secret just creates a barrier between you.

[Jenna]

I find it difficult to believe that anything we take in is completely separate from our relationships. Our entertainment affects who we are and how we behave pretty extensively, and I don't believe anything is quite so separate as you are suggesting.

However.

I agree that if porn is not affecting a relationship, if it is not altering the viewer's mental sexual landscape to such a degree that it is significantly detrimental to the relationship in both sexual and nonsexual ways, it's a completely reasonable thing to do. I've just never been in a relationship where that's the case.

I don't ask that my partners not watch porn, because I don't want to interfere with their autonomy. But I often wish I could, because I deal with its effects on a very frequent basis. It doesn't make me uncomfortable because it's inherently anti-feminist (though I'm still a bit on the fence about that) or because it makes me insecure (though it sometimes does). It makes me uncomfortable because it changes things in not good ways.

I am sure that this is not the case for everyone at all times. I watch porn myself occasionally and I don't think it affects my sexual landscape. But for every male partner I've had, it has had a significant and detrimental impact on our sex life and often bled into the nonsexual aspects of our relationship. I would like to know why that is, and if it's really so uncommon, or if healthy viewing, like the person said above, is the exception.

[PhoenixRising]

I'd like to know how you were able to determine that the "significant and detrimental" problems, as you put it, were caused by porn. There's an awful lot of assumptions buried in that statement that I highly doubt you've ever seriously examined.

[Chloe]

"Because the anti-porn movement has trotted out a host of half-assed propaganda and biased studies demonstrating the "harms" of porn? "
Half-assed? I think not. The anti-porn movement has a ton of valid studies showing everything from how porn decreases men's negative reactions to violence against women to a recent study showing that exposure to fairly tame vanilla porn significantly decreases satisfaction with their partner's bodies and their partner's sexual abilities (this goes for both men and women). Not to mention the fact that the majority of women feel some kind of negative impact ranging from self-esteem issues to all consuming emotional pain and deceit directly as a result of porn. Plus all the anecdotal evidence from the hurt women, from the porn addicts, from the non-porn addicts who don't even realize when they're comparing women to porn (I've heard it happen more times than I can count). Oh and lets not forget the fact that in over 50% of divorce cases porn was cited as a major reason for the divorce. And let's also not forget the fact that porn is addictive and the percentage of users who are addicted is now estimated to be between 15-20%, up from somewhere less than 1% back in the 80s. What beyond it's fun does the pro-porn movement have? Most porn also depicts a narrow sexist view of women and treats them badly. We should definitely be all in favor of men associating demeaning women and treating them like objects with intense sexual pleasure. As far as I'm concerned the numerous and extensive harms of pornography far outweigh the one plus of, it makes masturbation (an already fun activity) more fun.

[twinkle toes]

I understand why women would be upset about their partners looking at porn. I get upset too -- IF it is a sexual act that excludes the other partner, same with masturbation, same with a lap dance (in the partner's absence). For me, I make it very clear that any of these acts are fine (even fun and great) but that I want to hear about them, observe them, whatever, not to have them be a separate thing that excludes me and is kept secret, like an affair. Maybe that sounds controlling, but for me it is a way to not feel jealous and to not let my paranoia creep in. I think it's also a way to create more openness about things we may feel shameful about. Is porn bad? Hell no! Can it improve a relationship? Hell yeah! Can it ruin a marriage? I think it can just be a symptom or a sign of something more deeply rooted.

Case in point: A girlfriend of mine was very upset when she found out that her husband was watching porn (which she strongly and very vocally disapproves of). He kept denying it until she found the credit card charges for porn sites. She made him feel bad, even wrong, for having a desire to watch porn, but then he cheated on her in a sense. They both screwed up. Was the problem really about porn? No. Maybe he wanted to have a secret, something he controlled outside of their relationship (she's a bit bossy). They had a lot of issues, and this problem was just an expression of it, not the cause of it.

I think it's important to remember, however, that some women really do have very strong feelings against porn, not thoughts, but feelings. Porn can be a very emotional topic and I don't think women should be told how they ought to think and feel. A partner should respect that, but also try to find some middle ground. If he can't live with it, then he should be upfront and honest about it, not say 'it's your problem, deal with it.'

some very interesting posts here. I'm glad I stumbled upon this blog! :)

[Kevin Knowlton]

Chloe,
Can you direct us to any of the studies or surveys you mention?

[J]

As a man, I can say that porn can sometimes ruin a relationship if the person who watches porn begins to compare his fantasy world with reality. Yes, I've seen some hot women I'd like to have a go with, but I try not to frequent the porn world too often. Perhaps it will affect my attraction to my wife, who has had children and isn't as fit and visually appealing to me as she used to be (which I'd be a bastard to let that get in the way of our love for one another, I think). All things in moderation, I say. You can have too much of a good thing. I don't want to compare something in fantasy land with reality because I have it on my mind more than I should. Just as Greta states about her atheism, it is better to have real hope than a false one. If I'm fantasizing a great deal about a porn star I recently saw, it's a false hope. It's not real. I shouldn't compare the mother of my children to a porn star - that's just stupid. My wife - and all the things I can do to her (whoo-hoo!) - ARE real, and if I'm losing the spark, I should find a way to get it back.

This does happen to women too, I'm sure, but men struggle more with this issue. If porn is getting in the way of your relationship, don't beat yourself up. Just with any pleasure, there's a limit before it starts to interfere.

Perhaps if watching porn in private is just too much of an issue for a couple, they could watch something they enjoy mutually. We watched a lesbian video together and it was really great for us both.

[Vicky]

"My wife - and all the things I can do to her (whoo-hoo!) - ARE real"

When you say "to" does that also mean "with"?

The reason I'm bringing this up is because my boyfriend also refers to doing things "to" me when talking about sex but I see our sex life as something we do "with" each other. When he makes comments of this nature it makes me uncomfortable. Doing something "to" a person suggests that you're taking away their autonomy over their body. It might be subtle but I think this is a symptom of his pornography use because a lot of the pornography he likes happens within the context of a man doing something "to" a woman, whether it be a man saying "I can't wait to do x to you" or the woman saying "Do x to me".

In this example, I think pornography is far from harmless because it has influenced my boyfriend's views on sexual relationships. He also admits this, I am not forcing this view on him. It might be his right to do what he wants in private but when it filers down into our relationship I think I am more than justified to raise it as an issue.