"I Don't Want to Want What I Want"

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

If you read the sex advice columns (and who doesn't?), you see this sort of thing a lot. "I'm gay, and I don't want to be." "I'm kinky, and I don't want to be." "I have a fetish, and I don't want to."

"I don't want to want what I want."

Now, despite what some may think about us sex-positive advocates, I'm not going to reflexively say, "Oh, just go for it." I don't necessarily think that everything we want is good, or good for us. (Snickers bars come to mind.) Some sexual desires can do us harm if we act on them: the desire for barebacking, say, or the fetish for being fed until you gain massive amounts of weight. And if what you want sexually is immoral -- sex with children, say, to use the most obvious example -- then that's a no-brainer. Being sex-positive doesn't mean being positive about all sex, in every situation.

But let's say that what you want sexually isn't immoral, by any useful definition of the word. Let's say that what you want is consensual, and honest, and doesn't hurt anybody in a way that they don't want to be hurt. And let's say that it's reasonably safe as well: no more likely than any other hobby to cause serious or lasting harm, to you or to anyone else.

And let's say that you still don't want to want it. Let's say you're still distressed and unhappy with what you want in bed.

What then?

I don't pretend to have an answer to this. Not one that could be written in a short blog post, anyway. But I think part of the answer lies in doing a careful, thorough, honest inventory of your thoughts and feelings... and figuring out, not why you want the sexual thing you want, but why exactly you feel so bad about it.

I think there are three main reasons why people wish they didn't want the kind of sex they want. 1) They've internalized the social stricture against sex in general: they think sex is trivial and silly, and in general not worth wanting or pursuing. 2) The kind of sex they want is one that society frowns upon, and they've internalized the social stricture against it: they believe it's immoral and bad, even if it's consensual and honest and doesn't hurt anybody. Or 3) The kind of sex they want is one that society frowns upon... and pursuing it will be inconvenient at best and dangerous at worst.

All three of which intertwine, of course.

(If I'm leaving any out, speak up in the comments.)

And I think figuring out which of these is making you feel so bad about your desires will be key in helping you figure out what to do about them.

I had an LSD trip once (no, this isn't a tangent, stay with me) in which I hallucinated that my consciousness had somehow gotten detached from the pool of my memories and thoughts and feelings, and I had to find my way back. It was a grueling, no- fun trip, in which I spent hours sorting through my ideas and feelings and beliefs like they were a trunk of old clothes. ("Is that my belief? No, that one belongs to my mother, she just left it here." "What about that? Do I believe that? Yes, I think that's one of mine.") It was a grueling, no- fun trip... but at the end of it, I felt lighter, and liberated: like I'd unburdened myself of a lot of useless crap, and like everything in my head belonged to me.

Now, I'm not proposing that everyone with unwanted sexual desires take powerful hallucinogens until they reach a liberating epiphany. In fact, I'm not proposing that anyone do that. It's really not a reliable form of therapy or consciousness-raising, and you're just as likely to get a liberating epiphany about leaves or the Beatles or the lines on the back of your hand as you are about your sexuality.

What I'm proposing is that you take some time and sit with your desires. Let yourself feel them; let yourself have them. Let yourself really feel, not only your desire, but your discomfort with it.

And try to figure out: Where is this coming from? Not the desire itself -- typically, figuring out the causes of our sexual desire is like reading tea leaves in a hurricane -- but the discomfort with it, and the wish to not have it. Let yourself feel that discomfort, and ask yourself:

Is this mine?

Do I really think this?

Or is this something somebody else thinks -- my parents, my neighbors, my co-workers, my religious leaders, people on TV?

Don't just go with your first instinct. I don't think our first instincts are necessarily our best. Our first instincts often come from prejudice and fear. Really sit with it; really think it through.

Where does this discomfort come from? Are you genuinely repulsed by your desire... or are you simply embarrassed by it? Do you really think it's harmful and immoral, or just silly and trivial? If it's the latter... to me, that's a clue that I don't really think this kind of sex is bad. To me, that's a clue that who's doing the talking is the part of my brain that says, "All sex is bad -- it's not important, it's not worth taking seriously, and it's definitely not worth making a priority in my life."

And when you hear the voice in your head telling you that your desire is bad... whose voice is it? Is it your voice, or the voice of other people? When you think carefully about the arguments it's making... do they make sense to you? Is the voice even making arguments? Or is it just screaming, "Bad, bad, bad!" To me, if the voice saying my desires are bad really doesn't sound like me, and on careful examination it isn't really making much sense... that's a clue that what's going on isn't a genuine personal distaste for the sex in question, but an internalization of the social taboo against it.

Or do you have a genuine practical concern about pursuing your desire? Are you worried that you might lose your job, your family, your friends, if people found out? Are you worried that disclosing it to people you're dating will alienate them? Are you in a monogamous relationship with someone who's really not interested in doing your particular thing?

If you have a genuine practical concern about your desires... well, that's just cost-benefit analysis. And nobody can do your cost-benefit analysis for you. You're the only one who can decide if this desire is not that big a deal and isn't worth making a priority... or if it's going to drive you batty if it's not pursued. In my experience and from what I've read and observed, deeply fundamental sexual desires and orientations -- like, say, being gay -- are not going to go away, and trying to ignore them will make you miserable. But some desires are less deeply-rooted, and can be put on the back burner. It can be annoying to not pursue them, but it's not necessarily misery-inducing. And nobody but you can decide whether the benefit of pursuing your desire is worth the cost.

But if the voice that's telling you "No!" is just saying that all sex is bad? If it's saying that sexual desire is dirty and trivial, and you should be ashamed of yourself for making such a big deal out of it? If it's saying, "Everyone else thinks that what you want is disgusting and bad, therefore is must be disgusting and bad"? If it's just screaming, "Bad, bad, bad!" without any real rationale behind it?

I have never in my life known a good cost-benefit analysis that came down on the side of listening to those voices.

Comments

[GentillyGirl]

Good thoughts. I have struggled, not with being Intersexed, but with the fact that I have a fetish for a certain form of dressing. I like frilly clothing. It doesn't fit my Outer World persona... it's just something I like to do.

But... I can't engage in it in a public way because those who oppose the Free People will just have more to say about "how twisted we are". It would destroy anything I'm trying to get done in the Outer World.

[Quinalapus]

"tea leaves in a hurricane," heh, that's a great image. Even if I don't particularly agree with the underlying principle -- I actually kind of like puzzling out why I like what I like. Sure, it's a form of masturbation, but that's something I'm generally in favor of too.

[Maria]

I used to not want what I wanted when I was in my teens. Back then I just wanted to be like my friends and they did not want what I wanted. Now, when I'm 40 it's not an issue since a rather long time back. Regardless of if I can actually get what I want or not, I am at peace with what I want :-)

[fastthumbs]

I guess it's an issue of fidelity and society strictures...

I'm married with children and it's just annoying as hell getting hot and bothered by another woman (especially a co-worker) and KNOWING that if I act on the impulse I'm going to end up messing up my marriage and the co-worker's marriage (if they're married), other work relations, etc. And no, my spouse is NOT open to an open marriage.

I just wished that my libido would leave me alone during my working hours.

[arensb.livejournal.com]

Quinalapus:
So if you're trying to puzzle out why you enjoy self-gratification of a certain type, is that meta-masturbation?

[Kit Whitfield]

"All sex is bad -- it's not important, it's not worth taking seriously, and it's definitely not worth making a priority in my life."

I'd say, apart from not valuing sex, there's also the possibility that you don't value yourself. It's possible to think, 'Yes, the kind of sex I want is great and all, but you probably have to be a great person to have any right to do it without looking stupid or weird - more attractive, more glamorous, more sexy, more whatever than me. I should just settle for average.'

The superego might be screaming 'Bad kind of sex!', but it might also be screaming 'This is for other people; you're not good enough and you're just making a fool of yourself!' So I'd add 'low self-esteem' to the list of reasons.

[ToppHogg]

Socrates is quoted as saying that the unexamined life isn't worth living. Had I not examined mine (with the help of some good weed and quiet time), I would have been the miserable slug that my father became. Without the self examination, I wouldn't have seen what rote living was doing to me and wouldn't have determined a different path to follow.

I'm really sorry that Nixon had to screw the nation over by clamping down on marijuana and related substances. I guess the powers that be didn't like peaceful people, preferring instead the violence that coke and speed stimulates. Having a violent and unthinking populace makes going to war much easier.

[Quinalapus]

meta-masturbation?

Oh hell yes.