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I am weirdly fascinated with the phenomenon of church signs. Churches in Sweden don't do that, at least I have never seen one here.


And they wonder why their losing their grip on the youngsters.


"Do You Truly Know God?"

Biblically? Yes. Oh my, yes. Every. Single. Inch of him.

"We See God Every Day. Do You Recognize Him?"

I think your assessment of this one was a little unfair. It struck me as being a reminder that, if we're supposedly made by some deity or other, there must be a little of that deity in us -- so let's be a little nicer to each other.


Church signs that I have seen in my town:

"The fast lane may be a highway to hell".

"Next Sunday: Pentcost"


I one passed a sign that said: "Life offers many choices, Eternity offers only two."

In other words, limit your choices to the ones their God would have you do, or BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!! Now that’s a friendly morning wake-up message. Let’s guilt-trip everyone. Let’s use FEAR as a tool to get people to behave, rather than compassion or empathy.

What is is with church signs and bad puns?

Churches may dominate the Top 10 Bad Pun charts, but the federal government owns the Top 10 Vogon Poetry Sign charts.

Back in the early 90s, my commute used to take me through the Beltsville Agricultural Research Center, a research farm. A few times, there was a sign at the entrance that read


And around the same time, I saw a sign by the side of the Beltway that read



"Stop in we don't bite much." Church signs, with their limited space, leave no room for the subtleties and nuances that make the whole "we don't bite... much" joke funny.

As it is, if you didn't already know how the joke is supposed to go, you'd be scratching your head and wondering which congregations they're comparing themselves to?

Robert Madewell

Here's one that I took last year.

Also, there's a crazy pastor in my town that frequently bashes unbelievers on his church's sign.


I once saw a sign outside an Episcopal church that said: "Jesus is better than pizza. He can't be topped!"

Which made no sense to me. That is like saying that pizza is bad for having toppings. I love toppings on pizza. Most people that I know love toppings on pizza.

Plus, I was raised Catholic, and I've had the Jesus crackers, and those are so totally not better than pizza.


It's not just the midwest that loves those signs- every day I pass one on the way to work- always doing the "labored comedy" thing, & I live in northern VA less than 5mi from D.C.


What is is with church signs and bad puns? I'm going to go with boredom and a truely desperate need for a blow job...


Someone should tape a picture of the twin towers on fire on the sign that says "God has blessed America".

Steve Caldwell

Several years ago, I remember seeing a sign in front of an Assembly of God church that said:

"A man is strongest when on his knees."

I'm guessing this has something to do with piety and prayer but all I could think of was BDSM.


With the last one, I like parsing it differently. I.e. If god is perfect, then why does man make mistakes?

Claire B

Here's a few I've spotted:

"Long standing problem? Try kneeling."

(In the style of the Burger King logo): "Home of the Bigger King"

"Sin is the worst disease: the Cross is the only cure."

(In the style of the Lord of the Rings poster): "Lord of the Kings"

"Jesus fed the 5000, I'm sure he can help you!"

And so on...

Jerome M Pulaski

I so hate puns, and religious people...the two together is just a perfect storm of yuck! My ultra-conservative parent's favorite..."God Accepts Knee-Mails"...spine-chillingly awful...


Jerome: then you'll hate Kent Hovind's weblog, which has been nothing but "knee-mail" lately.


Are you originally from Galesburg, or does your family just live there now? My father and his family all grew up there, and my grandma lived there until she passed away a couple years ago. Small world.

And yes, midwest church signs are fun. I personally love all the bad puns, those are my favorite.

Greta Christina

Jennifurret: I'm not from Galesburg, but I have relatives there, and did throughout my childhood, so I've spent a fair amount of time there. I split this trip between there and Chicago (where I grew up, and where my dad and brother now live). It's a lovely town. I love visiting there. (And yes -- small world indeed!)


Out of date references? Star Wars is timeless!

Jerome M Pulaski

When did ole Dr. Dino get out of jail...?

the chaplain

Interesting selection of signs. I'm a Star Wars fan (yeah, I know, I'm giving away my age), so I rather liked "May the Fourth be With You."

I'm still trying to figure out the link between conservative Christianity and punning. It may have something to do with the fact that they have to guard their humor closely, lest they inadvertently make an inappropriate or off-color joke. Puns are simple and, often, pretty safe.


On the way to work this week, I saw "Our poverty is God's riches." Ghastly.

Cactus Wren

Here in Arizona I had (regularly) to pass a church that displayed "For All You Do ... His Blood's For You", which struck me as being tasteless at best. Another church had, for several months,


There was a blank line between them: I was terribly tempted to stop by late some night and add a big



Why, Greta, did you just say "frack"? That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside :)
(as long as I don't think about the series finale....)


I totally grew up in Kewanee and I loved that church (though I didn't attend it). When I go back to the visit the parents it still makes me laugh. It was cool to see you were hanging around the cool part of the midwest.

And for my chuch sign contribution, years back when churches were showing The Passion of the Christ, I drove by a church early one morning on my way to work and the sign said "NOW SHOWING: THE ASS OF THE CHRIST". The sign now has the locking plexiglass over it.


That church in Kewanee always has arrogant sounding thing on it's sign. The building used to be the world headquarters of Sandy's burgers, before they were bought by Hardees.

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