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Great piece. I'm on medication that kills my physical desire for sex, and keeps me from having orgasms. But I still enjoy sex with my husband of five years. It's intimate and pleasurable and makes me feel close to him. I'm happier for the next couple of days afterward, because we shared something special. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have that AND lust, but I can still be happy without the physical lust.


Really great post. I think this is such an important distinction. I was just talking to a friend about this very issue. When my partner and I were first dating, all we did was fuck. Seriously. I actually worried that we didn't have any shared interests beyond the bedroom, so I told him we needed to have a sex moratorium for a few weeks to make sure we were actually compatible. We did - and we found out we both like going to arts & crafts fairs, farmers' markets and the like. Now we're married and we don't have sex as often - usually just once or twice a week. Sure, it would be great if we still fucked like teenagers, but we also have a whole life that we share together. But if that desire for sex ever goes out of the marriage, I think it's time to hit the road.


Further support for your point: my birth control pills are killing my sex drive and I hate it. Just because I don't have the same physical desire/capacity for orgasm doesn't mean I don't want orgasm.


An excellent post. You present the fact that everything in life runs up against responsibility, and sex is no different. Taking up responsibility is read by our society as a duty of a grown-up, and knowing the when and how often and why of sex are all parts of that status. It is yet another need that must be satisfied.

I remember the juvenile days that Serena posts, and they were fun. But indulging excessively in our urges once cost me a necessary job, and I thus learned the hard way that there needs to be responsible limits to the amount of sex one gets to enjoy.

This isn't to say that responsibility is intended to kill sex entirely. What it does mean is that sex - like so many other things in adult life - requires responsible management. One can't let things get out of control in either direction of too much or too little. As both Steff and Lynet point out with their comments, there are often mitigating factors to expressing physical love, but that doesn't mean that it can be ignored. It is still necessary, and the adult is supposed to know enough to enable and sponsor meeting that need as necessary - including "just because".


I'd like to say something relevant, but I am far too distracted by how horrible that "Ask the Perv Panel" logo is. The blue and red text clash, and the red is really hard to read against the black background.

laura lee

You, this horrid looking person,
make me puke every time I see
your name. You are PUTRID.

I do not see how any publication
would give you room for your stupid rants. Get out of the
office and get a real job, Blogger! Nothings.


Wow, looks like you have a fan there...

Anyway another excellent post,keep up the good work!


I really enjoyed this piece, thank you for sharing


Great post! those who are taking meds, I pray that you soon will no longer feel you have to take them and heal YourSelves through natural, wholistic means, which includes tantric sex. Best to You all! In Love and Light, Ride the Wave and Manifest at Will!



Very interesting post. I'd appreciate what you have to say about my sex life - if you want to call it that. I'm over at


I realize that this was written nearly two years ago but I've only come across it now.
I love it! There are so many reasons for which I want sex. I have an increased sex drive, one could say, and, in the past, it had shown. There were sexual encounters with various people, of both sexes, and it was fun, fulfilling and appealed to the animalistic urge of sex.
However, I was in a short relationship with someone for whom I had developed very strong feelings, recently, and the sex with him was the best I'd ever had. It was intimate, there was eye-contact and a lot of kissing. He's big too and knows how to use it (lol). It just felt so good on every level.
Sadly, we aren't seeing each other any more and, while I really really want to have sex, the thought of not having that same intimacy with someone else, probably a booty call, just makes me avoid potential sexual encounters. I want this person and I want the feeling that I had when I was with him. It was basically as Greta Christina wrote, "You can want the effect sex has on your life, and on your relationship. You can want the closeness and intimacy it gives you with your partner. You can want the affirmation it gives, the feeling of being desired and valued. You can want the confidence and poise that being an actively sexual person can give. You can want the transcendence that sex can create, the experience of epiphany and transformative joy."

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