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David D.G.
The "swept away" myth lets us have sex, while pretending to ourselves and everybody else that we didn't really want it, and didn't consciously choose it, and can't be blamed for it. It's essentially a way of abdicating responsibility for sex.

This reminds me of a girl I knew in college who would get drunk every weekend at a party somewhere and screw around on her boyfriend (who was back in the home town) with pretty much any guy who put the moves on her, rationalizing that she wasn't *really* cheating on him because she was just drunk at the time.

And I gathered that an awful lot of single girls at college got drunk as a way of avoiding acknowledging responsibility for their sexual activity --- sometimes after just a single beer.

In other words, for some reason it was deemed less respectable to be a slut than it was to be a drunk slut.

~David D.G.

Sebastian Conolly

The "swept away" myth lets us have sex, while pretending to ourselves and everybody else that we didn't really want it, and didn't consciously choose it, and can't be blamed for it.

And of course in doing that, it feeds into rape apologism, with people claiming they were just so turned on they couldn't stop themselves even though their partner asked them to.

Paul Crowley

As I'm sure you appreciate, bondage in real life often requires meticulous planning and patience that runs entirely counter to the "swept away" style of sex.


An inspiring read indeed. I'm very much a planner in many aspects of my life, and that definitely includes sex. Almost all the sex I have is planned well in advance, and in many cases such planned sex is better than spontaneous sex, when you didn't think about what you're going to do so long in advance. Not to mention fun stuff such as group sex, which is almost impossible without fore-planning.

I guess I never thought people might think that planned sex is bad, but I guess some people are weird...

Normally not so Anon

I love this notion that sex should be spontaneous - not a whole lot different than any other notion of what sex "should" be like.

I engaged in prostitution for a while, to support my family (unfortunately the economy sank enough to drive even that down). I am a guy and unfortunately, the vast majority of work available to male prostitutes is with male clients - no biggie, as I love to get people off - but I am not nearly so fond of sex with men. So one of the ways that I made it more interesting and often less sexual on my part, was to cater fetishes and fantasies.

For the most part it wasn't all that hard to work out what clients wanted from me, but sometimes it required exhaustive planning. When it did, it often times meant far more time spent setting up scenarios, than the actual time spent acting out the scenarios. It also meant paying a great deal of attention to not only what the client was saying, but to what they weren't. I had to adjust situations rapidly, to compensate for something implied, that email and other communications hadn't explicitly stated.

But when the client is particularly earnest about a particular fantasy, being entirely explicit about their desires would ruin the fantasy they want fulfilled. And of course the legal status of prostitution often prohibited explicitness.

Even years ago, when I was just a huge slut, I loved to help fulfill fantasies. Whether it was setting a friend up with others to fulfill their fantasies, fulfilling their stated fantasies or being recruited to fulfill someone else's fantasy, it was marvelous fun. One of my favorites, was one that I actually got to repeat for pay...

A very good friend asked me to fulfill one of his GF's fantasies. She really wanted to be surprised by someone she didn't know or didn't expect, while in the shower or getting dressed, with a very vanilla domination scene. I later did virtually the exact same thing for a guy who's partner set it up with me.

Personally, I find fulfilling fantasies a huge turn-on. There is little more erotic and exciting to me, than really getting someone off by helping them with a sexual experience they've always wanted to have, but were never able to manage. The stranger or darker, the better, because that usually means they are going to be especially thrilled.

My very favorite clients, were the ones who took the most planning. And my very favorite sex, is with a partner who knows exactly what I want and who has ensured that I know exactly what she wants.

Bat Sheva

So well said!! And what a fantastic analysis. I think I will have this printed and posted for patients!!! You rock.

Bat Sheva Marcus


I take issue with your characterisation of bondage fantasies - They mean I'm not taking responsibility for wanting sex? What? Um, no! And centering your sex life around bondage is irresponsible and not grown up? I'm kind of offended, but my boyfriend thinks that wasn't what you meant and I should comment and let you explain, so here tis. I don't think I read anything into those words that wasn't there.

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