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this is so true...
I like all your posts a lot though-)) (and send hello from the Czech Rep.)



I loved this back when you posted it and I still do. My vote is on Option 3, personally, though there is hope. His April 2 column dealt appropriately (as far as I could tell) with the issue. Maybe he's learning.

In case the linky doesn't work:


Preach, sister, preach!


I've never known just what to make of Dan Savage. I find that about half his columns are good, thoughtful advice, and the other half seem to consist mainly of snarking at and mocking the people who write in, even when they're legitimate correspondents with genuine problems.

If Savage Love were just an advice column, or if it were just for entertainment, either would be fine with me. But it gives me whiplash to try to switch back and forth between the two so often.


Mmmm Alan Rickman. I thought I was the only person in the world with a crush on him! That VOICE.


I am a straight man, and I have a crush on Alan Rickman. The man transcends sexuality.

will willis

I read this a while ago, and was right there with you, Greta. But I just re-read it, and realized something.
"I'm a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual and wants to have a three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What should I do?"

Savage's advice?

"Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend."

Dan isn't saying there is anything wrong with the girlfriend for wanting a 3-way, he's telling the letter writer that if she can't handle a bi girlfriend, then she shouldn't have one. This would be consistent with his policy that it's not the fault of one person or the other for having different kinks, it's both their faults for not finding a partner that shares them. You bring up many valid points, but I don't think Savage is the right target.

(disclaimer: i am a straight man who once broke up with a bi girl because she wanted to have a three-way with her ex-girlfriend ... i've had and enjoyed multi-way sex, but i don't think i could handle it involving a partner i had more than lust for)

Our BiNation

Savage is too old, experienced and intelligent to continually make such mean-spirited, bi-phobic remarks. He acknowledges in an up coming New York Times Magazine article that some people need to have sex with both men and women. His longstanding attitude about us is more likely to be based on something . . . possibly something more political and power oriented - like fear. What would the culture be like if bisexuals were center stage as in BLTGQQA? We fear that he is less a twit, and more of a lobbyist.

Lucy Lint

Has anyone asked Dan Savage about this? I wouldn't be surprised if he published the snarky part of a longer response to the bi-threesome question. On his podcasts he asks follow-up questions whenever he can, so I'd imagine he'd do so in person too. What he published sounds like an excerpt of a longer conversation.

Also I think it's unfair to compare his response to the straight-threesome question, since the straight people were both in agreement that they wanted a threesome, while the lesbian clearly didn't want a threesome at all. And if her bi girlfriend knew this but continued to pressure her, I'd agree that the lesbian should dump the bi girl.

I'm bi myself and I'd start arguments with a lot of people before I'd target someone who's been a very vocal LGBT activist.


Dan Savage has not changed his views on bisexuality at all.

See here for a recent essay by him:

Also here's a video of his views:


StillBisexual: Can you elucidate on what in that column you linked to was 'wrong' about his views? Because he made a pretty solid case--if he was dissing anyone, it wasn't bisexuals, but teenagers (to-wit: "You're young, yet, and may very well not have figured this out for yourself yet," which is patronizing and true in that so-irritating way that older folks always are when dealing with the younger generations).

As for the linked column blurb, I think it was more typical of his general disbelief in monogamy. He doesn't just disregard it in bisexuals; rather, he regularly dismisses the notion that any human is really inclined to be monogamous. So for a same-sex bisexual/lesbian relationship, where the bisexual is actively looking around at men, the odds of some sort of difficulty is going to be larger than it is in a straight-up (pun not intended, but left there to my shame) lesbian relationship.

Personally, I think he's wrong about the monogamy thing (I recognize that some folks are poly-, others mono-; he really believes that monogamists are lying to ourselves).

Jason Loxton

"If Mr. Savage wouldn't advise anyone else to break up with their partner solely because of their unshared interest in ass play or pony play or Coulter play... why is he advising this woman to break up with her bisexual girlfriend, solely because of her unshared interest in MFF three-way play?"

Dan Savage routinely *does* advise people to break up for all of the reasons you list.

His advice is consistent and practical: Kinks/sexual preferences don't go away, and in the long-term a relationship that involves one partner suppressing a major aspect of their sexuality is likely to end in heartache (resentment or infidelity).

In this case, one partner has explicitly expressed interest in sexual activities that cannot be met (physically) in a strictly monogamous same-sex relationship. The other has expressed anxiety at meeting the needs/desires of her partner. Dan's pithy advice, basically "Get over it or get out," sounds reasonable to me, and really has nothing to do with bisexuality: It is simply a realistic appraisal of how deep-rooted our turn ons on.

We ignore the desires of our partners at our peril.


Honestly, some of the things you said towards the end made me cry a little. I am a bisexual woman in my early twenties and since coming to terms with my desires in my teens I have heard the slander. I have been with a man for five years now (since High School) and he adores me and I him, but many of my so called allies in the gay community insult me and call me heterosexual. I think it would be easier if I was bisexual and in a lesbian relationship, or simply one or the other but I am NOT. I do not want to be excluded by a group of people fighting for acceptance because I have "heterosexual tendencies". I cannot help who I love anymore than they can! So thank you, for writing a comprehensive article and dispelling some of the myths about us.


I applaud you for writing this post. I'm not quite sure why Mr. Savage would say something like that other than a really untasteful joke - which tbh, a sexual advice column is not the place for.
I agree with what you said about bisexuals. I'm bisexual myself and I've had the same bias thrown at me since I came out years ago -and in every relationship I've been in, I've never once been anything but mononagmous; ironically, it's the other person who's cheated - and that includes the men I've dated. Go figure.
As for why a woman leaving a woman for a man is more hurtful to some people and vice versa - I've had this happen to me. And while I can't speak for others, I can tell you why it hurt me more: I felt like I wasn't enough for my girlfriend. I felt doubly betrayed because she'd left me for a man.
Irrational? Yeah, probably. But that's how I felt. Perhaps that's how others feel as well, but as I said, I can't speak for them.
Again, I applaud you for writing this. It's brilliantly written - I think I'll be following your blog from now on. =)

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