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Comments

Jane Know

Greta,
I agree with your premise entirely. :-) I secretly lusted after a guy on my co-ed volleyball team (tall, dark, and handsome). But when the opportunity presented itself, and he needed to stay at my place after a conveniently drunken night out in my neighborhood, I merely offered him the couch while I slept in my bed. Once I knew that it could actually happen, I wasn't interested in dealing with the emotional drama that may have surrounded actually sleeping with him (on his end, because I think he was really in to me).

I know this doesn't sound risque at all, but considering how typically unattracted to men I am, and that my experiences (as a lesbian) with men consist of drunken college make-outs 10 years ago, it was a true risque fantasy to me. ;-)

Bekah

Love the post Greta, I can completely relate. Though I um won't elaborate. Forbidden fruit is always sweeter. though it leads me to wonder what sexy plumber man is doing now....

David Harmon

As I noted at Blowfish, Erica Jong also covered this in "Fear Of Flying".

TheNerd

I actually had a similar experience myself. Afterward, I found myself wondering if I had passed up on a "magical chocolate-covered gold bullion" of sexual experiences.

But I eventually considered how it may have turned out if he wasn't as skilled as I assumed he was. I may have saved myself from an hour or so of uncomfortable positions and awkward pauses. Plus, "are you on the pill?" usually translates to "can I pass on the safe sex?" Definitely a sign to turn tail and run!

I sometimes have wistful fantasies, but I'm sure my fantasies would be much better than the reality would have been.

Greta Christina

"As I noted at Blowfish, Erica Jong also covered this in 'Fear Of Flying'."

Interesting. From the comments here, it sounds like it's a common experience, more so than I might have thought. What did Erica Jong say about it?

dryad

Yeah, I don't even like to fantasize about someone unless I think I'm compatible with him, which severely limits my fantasy fodder.

On the flip side, I spent ten years fantasizing about someone I was compatible with, telling myself that we probably weren't that compatible in order to decrease my longing.

When our compatibility finally became undeniable, I went from being married to the only boy (or girl) I'd ever kissed to still married but polyamorous.

And what's interesting about that new relationship, regarding the fantasy vs. reality discussion, is that it made me actually want to enact some of those fantasies that I'd previously just wanted to leave in my head. I mean, I'd known that the thought of being tied up turned me on, but I had no desire for my husband to tie me up. That would've been totally out of character for him, so it didn't even occur to me to want him to do it.

But my boyfriend is a totally different animal. He's definitely a top, and now, when I'm with him, I'm often a bottom instead of just fantasizing about being one.

I still don't want to enact that fantasy with my husband, though. The reality of my relationship with him is different than the reality of my relationship with my boyfriend, and I get to explore different aspects of myself with each of them.

David Harmon

I only read part of the book, and that many years ago (I must have been something like 14, Mom had left it in the bathroom), but what I remember is this:

She'd previously discussed her fantasies of a "zipless fuck" -- not "without zip", but a metaphor for completely uncomplicated sex, no literal or figurative zippers tangling and jamming, but people just "coming together" without awkwardness.

But then one day her protagonist/ avatar was taking a long train ride, settling into her bed in a private "sleeper room". The porter was bustling around tidying things up, plumping pillows and such... she was just musing on how nice he was being, and pretty cute too, when he put his hand someplace intimate, by way of a pass -- and she reacted with shock and revulsion instead of interest, upon which the porter shrugged and departed. Then for the next few paragraphs she wondered about her reaction, how she'd always fantasized about that "ultimate quickie", but when it actually presented itself, she was revulsed.

While I don't remember the exact details of the pass, I remember thinking even then, that her actual reaction was much more plausible than the fantasy! In fact, hat's probably why I (uncharacteristically) didn't read the whole book: the scene I'd happened across broke my suspension of disbelief.

Heather Shaw

Hey Greta!

I had a similar moment a few months ago with the cable guy. He was at my place for hours, trying to get the cable set up, and when he saw my porn collection he made some comment that made it fairly clear what my next line could be if I wanted a quickie. I remember thinking to myself that I would've been all *over* the possibilities ten years ago (although I probably would've second-guessed whether he was really hitting on me or not long enough for the moment to pass, being in my twenties and much less sure of myself). But aside from having a husband, baby and cats (ok, the cats don't really figure into it, but things read better in threes), I just don't have the energy/ sex drive these days to put into a one-time encounter. And I didn't want my sheets to smell like random cable guy. And all the reasons you list above (though I'm usually more surprised when folks *aren't* into spanking, but perhaps I've been off the market too long to remember).

We ended up surfing the internet to look up Savannah cats (he really liked cats, so I suppose they factored into this comment more than I originally realized). Much more my speed these days.

The Countess

I know exactly what you mean! I've had a couple of experiences in college when the fantasy was MUCH better than the reality when it presented itself. Things like his stomach growling loudly and incessantly (very annoying), not being able to hold an erection, not being able to hold a coherent conversation, and other disappointments kept the Reality from being anywhere near as exciting as the Fantasy. Plus in a couple of cases when I didn't do it, it was because I ended up simply not liking the guy much when I finally got to know him a bit better. What I really wanted was the Fantasy because I controlled it, and I could make it whatever I wanted at the time. I guess sometimes it's good to know the difference between Fantasy and Reality, and to know which you really want.

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