Lesbian Sex With Men

Please note: This piece discusses my personal sex life, and my personal sexual history, in a certain amount of detail. Family members and others who don't want to read about that stuff, please don't. This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

This is about the first time I had sex with a guy, after I'd finally started having sex with women.

And it's about how having sex with women radically changed the way I have sex. With everybody. Men, women, everybody.

Here's what happened. I was making out with this friend of mine. Male. And this was clearly not the "just fooling around" variety of making out. This was the "lead-up to having sex" variety. We'd actually decamped from another friend's living room, where things had gotten started, and gone back to his place to keep things going. This was "making out, otherwise known as foreplay."

So we were making out on his sofa, getting increasingly hot and heavy... when for no apparent reason, his momentum slowed down. Like, a lot. Trying to figure out what the heck was happening, I asked if he wanted to get a condom and go into the bedroom... and he said, with obvious embarrassment, that he'd already come, while we were making out.

(I think it had been a while since he'd had sex.)

And here's where the "having had sex with women" part comes in.

Before I'd started having sex with women, my reaction to a guy's premature ejaculation had been pretty traditional: disappointment, frustration, embarrassment on his behalf, attempts to soothe his ego, feeling like I'd done something wrong.

But this time, my reaction was to say, casually and matter-of-factly, "Oh. Well, is that any reason to stop?"

I wasn't trying to make a statement or anything. I honestly didn't even think about it. I certainly wasn't thinking of it in terms of, "this is the great lesson I have learned from having sex with women." It was just an automatic, instinctive reaction.

But it was an automatic, instinctive reaction that was the complete opposite of the one I would have had a year or two before. It was an automatic, instinctive reaction that had been shaped by the sex I'd been having with women -- sex in which one person's orgasm didn't stop the whole train, but was simply one of many sights on a long and eventful excursion.

And here's the thing I found especially interesting:

When I said it, he was relieved.

He wasn't angry, or annoyed, or anything even remotely approaching angry or annoyed. He was relieved. He was happy.

He didn't want our encounter to be just about his orgasm, either. Especially since it had fired off before either of us was ready. "Is that any reason to stop?" was a way we could do that. It was a way he could feel good about our encounter, like a sexy, sensitive, open-minded lover instead of a gawky klutz who couldn't control himself. And it was a way we could keep on having sex. It was a way we could actually have sex that night, instead of an aborted make-out session.

And we did.

I don't even remember if we wound up fucking per se. But we had sex. Wonderful, sweet, delicious sex. For a good long while. An hour or two, if I recall correctly. With many sights on a long and eventful excursion.

Now, of course, you don't need to be bisexual to learn this lesson. Lots of straight people figure out that sex doesn't necessarily equal fucking, or even fucking and sucking. Lots of straight people figure out that the presence of an erect penis is not necessary for sex to count as sex.

But lots of other straight people never figure that out. Even today, even in our post- Monica- Lewinksy, "it depends on what your definition of 'is' is" era, the default definition of sex is still, "a hard dick going inside a hole."

And I think it's important to remember that this state of affairs doesn't just suck for women. It sucks for men, too. My friend was so disappointed and embarrassed that his premature ejaculation had screeched our evening to a halt... and he was so relieved and happy to be offered the idea that it didn't have to. The obsessive spotlight on the hard dick as the sole focal point and defining feature of sex... it makes for some seriously unsatisfied women, of course, but I think it's a raw deal for men as well. It's too much pressure on one little organ.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I think my point is just this: An awful lot of people, of all genders and orientations, would benefit from the kind of sex that lesbians take as a given. The kind of sex where success isn't overwhelmingly defined by one partner's "performance." The kind of sex that doesn't make a sharp distinction between "foreplay" and "sex," and that doesn't have a strong opinion about which has to happen first. The kind of sex where the journey is the destination.

I don't know where my friend is now. But I hope he remembers. I hope he remembers as fondly as I do. And I hope that from that night on, whenever he couldn't get hard, or came before he wanted to, he was able to smile and say to his lover, "Well, is that any reason to stop?"

Comments

[Curvaceous Dee]

After I read this fantastic post (and agreed with all of it, having made the same discovery myself), I then re-read the entire thing, aloud, to my husband sitting next to me.

Just brilliant. Thank you :)

xx Dee

[Mike Haubrich, FCD]

It's not only important when it comes to premature ejaculation, but for those of us who run into ED. My ED is often psychological and finding a lover who doesn't see the problem as a reason to stop can be difficult. When I do find such a lover, it is fantastic for just the reasons you state. Women who "get it" turn it into a lot of fun, which then turns into regaining the erection.

My fist wife didn't get that and was highly critical when I couldn't get it up, which fed the problem.

[marcelloNYC]

I found your blog via Curvaceous Dee's blog. I love this post, I really do!

I have a friend (for real LOL) that was not feeling secure in himself and I forwarded this to him to read. I wrote a post about him on my blog, "Male Intimacy in a Non-Sexual Manner".

He felt that lasting 4min was too little, and on top of it his ex-wife was refusing to be intimate with him, and mentally abusing him. I helped him the best I could, and he is doing better, but he is still feeling a little inadequate in his love-making skills.

This post is fantastic and just what he needs to read.

Thank you,
marcello

PS. I am adding you to my blogroll - great work.

[Odd Duck]

Thank you for taking load #23 off my mind. Hah.. so guys can use fingers and hands and fists, oh my!

Thanks.

[Chris]

Thank you for a great post. I used to think about these issues a lot when I was younger and still tried to figure out whether boys, girls or both was the way to go. Somewhere along the road I forgot...until today!

[Improbable Bee]

Spectacular post. For a rather lovely period of my life, I was lucky enough to be with someone who wouldn't have dreamed of stopping just because he was "done". I have never quite forgiven myself for letting him get away. ;) When a guy really gets this, it is one of the best possible things a woman can ask for in a lover.

[yogurtbacteria]

This is a wonderful post. It's funny, I spend all this time tryiing to be as open-minded as possible about the big questions (gay marriage, polyamory, kink, religion, the vast sea of differing relationship styles in the world, etc, etc.), and without you writing about it, I might never have thought to question this "little" question. Or at least, it might have taken me longer.

[Brazilian Guy]

Fantastic post! Inspiring

Helped me a lot...

Thank you !

[Lolita Wolf]

I found this through Sexoteric. Great post. This is what queer sex is about for me.

[sanjayan]

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[Joreth]

Thanks for this. I wrote my own response to it on my journal: http://joreth.livejournal.com/63875.html

[ko shon Bob Hanson]

thanks sister what a healing article for men at least. I would like to ask about men who because of the big P Cancer have lost a lot if not all the power but still have the desire baby, the phrase, mantra, "Well, is that any reason to stop?" is perfect...you thoughs sister...thanks

[Erica Wieland]

Here, here. I agree completely. I have been very fortunate to find a man who makes love this way. As a woman, it has been a revelation to me to be with a man where sex is not solely about getting to intercourse. If more men were to understand this (and more women, frankly) there would be a lot more happy people in the world. Thanks for talking about this subject.

[todd]

this is very true,i sufferd from a long term mariage problem and wondered why things where happening with my love makeing that led to phycolgicaly afecting me in bed. my (friend) she is so great @ understanding me , & the things that are happening to me.now my friend,has opend a whole new experience for me.thank you friend..............

[Ace]

I completely agree. I'm a gay boy who has never had sex with women, but I was weaned on Dykes to Watch Out For and other such wonderful publications, and I've always had this kind of approach to sex, which I recognize much more in the mixed-but-mostly-girls queer events that I go to than in the more canonically gay boy scene. (Actually the same is true about many things in my life.)

[Spencer]

This is an excellent point, and it illustrates a facet of lesbian intimacy that I hadn't considered before, being a straight guy and all.

I think I'll talk to my girlfriend about this. I love our sex, but I've often been the unwitting bearer of bad news after coming too early. Rarely is she bothered by it-- she and I both love the whole experience-- but your perspective here may make things even better in the future.

By the way, I've been looking around your blog, and I like your perspectives a lot. I think you just found yourself another reader!

[ellindsey]

Wow. You've basically just summed up everything wrong with the sex life of my wife and I. She's only interested in PIV sex, no variations, with minimal fore or after play. I've had little interest in sex lately, and difficulty with erections and premature ejaculation. We've talked a lot and are seeing a couple's therapist, but I am starting to think that we're just basically sexually incompatible.

[Jimmy Crummins]

Greta
Can I ask a somewhat personal question? Well, I'll ask and you can say "none of your buisiness Jimmy" and that's an acceptable answer:

Were you always attracted to both sexes, or did you make a connsious decision to engage with both sexes?

I believe that people are born with their sexual orientation. The thought of having sex with another man is truly repugnant to me. In spite of the fact that I have been treated poorly by a number of women in my life, it would be impossible for me to throw up my hands and say "I've had enough of women. I'm turning to men." In your experience, which in this domain is doubless far more extensive than mine, what's your take? Do you think people are born with an orientation or they make a conscious decision to move it?

[Perversecowgirl.wordpress.com]

When I was recently divorced, I had a weird run of luck in my quest for Sex With a New Person: three or four guys in a row who couldn't get it up.

And I was always like "Oh, okay. Here, give me your hand, I wanna show you how to give me an orgasm." Because, first of all, it would be really shitty to make a huge thing out of it (sometimes my brain and genitals don't cooperate with each other, too...we're only human) and secondly, I pretty much only climax from hand jobs, anyway.

None of those guys ever called me again, although I meant it when I asked them to. I'm not sure whether their disappearance stemmed from Madonna/whore complex, embarrassment at their "failure", or something else entirely. It would make me especially sad if it was the second option because I didn't see those encounters as "failures" at all. An attentive guy who gives me multiple orgasms isn't a failure, he's a treasure - erection or no erection.

Anyway, thanks for this awesome post. :)

[Steve Gerrard]

Where were people like you when I was more sexually active? I have been convincing female partners of stuff like this for years. I am now 72 and have trouble actually cumming but my hard still is there in seconds and lasts well. My big trouble is I am married to a 40 year old who thinks I HAVE to cum. She has trouble cumming herself if I have not. Her idea of foreplay is to put her hand on my cock, get it hard, drag me on top and push it in. The exact reverse of the usual situation. Now I'm trying to get her to really have sex with a woman. I know she is attracted to women and has close girlfriends but no actual sex with them yet. I'm sure this will introduce her to the idea that sex is not all about orgasm. Now I have found your blog I have to read more of you. Especially on Atheism. Since I got old I realised more and more there aint no God, or afterlife. Another twist in the norm where older people turn to a god for comfort. Anyway so glad of the internet so I find people like you and individuals I can talk to. I would love to find a site of free thinkers on sex and religion.

[Lanthir]

Wonderful post!
I'm categorically attracted to women, but find some men appealing on a case-by-case basis, including my primary partner. Like you, I find that our sexual intimacy is improved by a more typically "lesbian" outlook. And from what he's said to me comparing our interactions to those he's had with lovers in the past (all straight women, all with a "go straight for the dick, ignore all other potential erogenous zones" attitude), I gather that he agrees.

[Not my real name, if you don't mind]

Okay.

Serious question. I know a lesbian. I am advised by her that almost all lesbians hugely dislike oral sex with a man, ie., fellatio.

I would appreciate a direct answer, without a lot of politics.

(Why my question?, because I thought that most women enjoy sex with a man, and that oral sex, without respect to a recent failed president, is sex.)

[Eclectic]

Um.... What's the question? The only sentence in your comment ending in a question mark is "Why my question?"

Yes, most lesbians aren't into cock, so having one shoved in their face (pun very much intended!) isn't very appealing.

[Gabriel]

An excellent read! Thank you for sharing this! I will share it with everyone I can.