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David Harmon

Sounds like another case for the "hydraulic shadow metaphor". ;-) Doing it once released the libido-portion that was bound into the fantasy. Apparently, his basic "need" for the fantasy was shallower than he'd thought.


This sounds exactly like what I once told a former b/f...we were discussing my rape fantasies and I told him that I wasn't sure I'd ever want to have that fantasy acted out, for the exact reason that, in the acting out, I wouldn't have control over the situation anymore.

I did eventually get together with a sexually dominant guy with whom I got to have the experiences of being spanked too hard and "made" to do things I didn't entirely want to do. And yeah, it is worth it, but it is also hard. I think it's great that you acknowledge that.

nina hartley

Spot on, as always, Greta! The question I had to work out was, "what part didn't quite work? Why? What can I tweak to make it better next time? What did I need to tell my partner that I didn't tell him/her? Is it a big enough deal to even bother with again?"

For me, it was often a big enough deal to keep working the fantasy play until it WAS as smooth and delicious as I had always hoped. Some things I did drop after the first time-it wasn't at hot as I thought it'd be. But if the spark was still in there, I found it worth the effort to "practice" more until my partner and I got it right most, or all, of the time. Anal sex was like that. Not super hot the first time, but worth the work to get better at it.

So, a fantasy can be a disappointment, certainly, but it doesn't always mean you should drop it.

Keep up the great work!

Steven Alleyn

What if you don't have any fantasies?

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