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Jenna Medaris

All good points, though maybe I can offer a perspective about some of these, as I unfortunately do struggle with jealousy from time to time, in all these ways.

It has nothing to do with whether or not my partner would actually have sex with the other people or not. We're non-monogamous as well, but either way, the sex is almost irrelevant. I'm not concerned that he'll leave me for someone else - he never would. I don't perceive these people (in most cases - I perceive threat where there is threat, i.e. if the person is cute but crazy, but that's rare) as a threat to our relationship, and if he has sex with them, or doesn't, it doesn't matter.

It's entirely, for me, about emotion. I get jealous because I want to feel like he wants me most of all, desires me more and better than anyone else. And when I hear about strong desires from his past, present, or future, it sometimes makes me feel jealous because I perceive him as wanting them more than me. When I feel secure in his desire, I couldn't care less if he wants to fuck everyone that passes by. When I don't, a glance at a waitress can make my stomach twist.

So while I agree that non-monogamy does help one realize that attraction does not always or even often lead to sex, it doesn't matter, because attraction is the issue, not sex.

Are you loving my long-winded comments yet? Sorry about that. :)


Hmm, what about jealously in the sense that your partner wants to screw/be with another person, and you honestly believe that the only reason they don't/aren't is because they aren't attractive enough to that person, and so have settled for you?

Pi Guy

I really love your atheist philosophy stuff. You're so smart and present your case so methodically, so cogently, I get a great deal out each and every one. I am so much better prepared to brave the world of godheads because of them. I am happier in
general because I am more confident in my place in this increasingly mindless, theocratic society. Thank you.

This post hits close to home with me and the Mrs. We've experienced several degrees of each of the three flavors of jealousy in our 19 years together. There are some events and consequences of events that are the source and result of significant pain inflicted by the green-eyed monster. It might be good for us to try to compartmentalize the Jealousies into the appropriate bin. I will share this.

But, I must admit, I sure like reading your relationship/sex/porno stuff. I especially liked "Oral Arguments", and "Sex Offenders Hysteria" is a point that I've argued on more than one occasion. And "Are We Having Sex Now" gave me pause to reconsider "the numbers" as I realize that, once I broadened the range of past behaviors that I choose to qualify as sex, a bunch more people slide into the mix. A topic I've examined in my own life before. Very insightful.

Good stuff once again!



For the people who mention jealousy in connection with emotion, like wanting to be #1 in their spouse's eyes, I suggest reading: - How To Be A Secure Person -Some Thoughts On Being Special - Some Thoughs On Specialness

And just in general keep an eye on and - he is actually coming out with a book on Practical Poly. Most of the concepts in being happily poly, I believe are necessary for being happily monogamous too. Being non-monogamous is not about how many partners you can collect, it's about being whole and tailoring your relationship to suit your needs and those of everyone else in it to the maximum of happiness. Communication, trust, intimacy, these are all necessary for monogamy, but it seems only non-monogamous people spend any time intentionally thinking, discussing and working on these tools.


Oh, and btw, thanks for the blog! A friend pointed me towards it and I've subscribed. You make many of the points I find myself making on many different subjects, including atheism, sexuality and non-monogamy and relationships. I am now including your blog in my arsenal of links when I refer people to what I am trying to say but not saying as well as it could be said.


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