Greta Christina's Blog

Buying Obedience, Part 4

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This one you almost certainly want to stay away from. It discusses my sex life in some detail... and discusses aspects of my sex life that you probably don't want to know about. Really. Here's a post that you might want to read instead, about how my early science education shaped my adult life, and why I'm grateful for it.

This is Part Four of a four-part post. In Part One, "Thinking About It," I talked about why I decided to hire a professional submissive in the first place; Part Two, "Planning It," told what it was like to actually shop for, and make plans with, a pro submissive. Part Three, "Doing It," told what happened once I actually walked through the dungeon door. And in today's conclusion, I explain what I think it all means. This piece was originally published in Other Magazine, and was reprinted in Best Sex Writing 2008.

Buying Obedience:
My Visit to a Pro Submissive

Part Four: Analyzing It to Death Afterward

So here's the big, meaningful conclusion I've come to:

Boy, sex work is weird.

I don't mean that it's bad. I don't mean that it's sinful or exploitative or un-feminist, or any of that. But it's deeply, deeply weird. And being a customer felt much weirder than I'd ever felt as a provider. It was radically different from unpaid sex, much more so than I'd expected. It was as different from unpaid sex as SM is from vanilla sex, as different as making love with a beloved partner is from fucking a stranger.

Why was it so different? It wasn't the "playing with a stranger" part so much: I've done that before, at sex parties and such. And it wasn't the "planning and scheduling sex in advance" part, either: I've done that before as well, with both long-term lovers and casual personal-ad hookups. But the combination of the two -- making a definite, fairly detailed plan to have sex with someone that I'd never even met before -- was deeply surreal. Even with strangers at sex parties, I'd known them for at least 30 seconds, had a chance to see if there was immediate physical chemistry, before deciding to boink them. This blend of careful calculation and blind leaping-into-the-abyss adventure was very peculiar indeed.

And of course, I was $300 poorer at the end of it, which isn't an insignificant difference. The money made me feel entitled to ask for what I wanted and (within reason) to get it. But it also made me feel pressured, like I had to cram as much pleasure as I could into the session to make it worth what I'd spent. And inevitably, it made me compare the experience to other luxuries, trying to judge whether that one hour had really been as good as thirty expensive cocktails, or ten pairs of Merino wool tights, or three fancy dinners out with my lover.

But the biggest difference between playing for money and playing for free turned out to be the clock. Rachel had informed me ahead of time that she rented the dungeon by the hour and we had to be out by 8pm sharp. Even if she hadn't, I didn't have the money to extend the session past the hour we'd scheduled. So I was constantly keeping an eye on the clock: winding up the spanking so we could get to the cunt torture, deciding not to use the flogger because we wouldn't have time to do it right. Now, I've certainly had quickies with a casual eye on the clock, have begun play sessions that we had to either cut short or miss our dinner reservations. But I'd never before played with anyone who was going to kick me out after exactly one hour, no matter what was going on or how much fun either of us was having. And this, I think, more than anything else about the session, made it nearly impossible for me to relax and just experience the moment.

I want to say something, though, and I want to say it very clearly: None of this weirdness or anxiety had anything to do with Rachel. Rachel was great. She knew her stuff, and she responded beautifully to my orders, and she was lovely to look at and luscious to fondle and spank. Any stress or distance I felt came from my own brainwaves and neuroses. Rachel did not make this a weird experience -- I did.

Would I do it again? Well, if money were no object... but that's ridiculous. Of course money is an object. Money is the object, the whole point of the exercise, the thing that makes paying for it different from just surfing the personals for no-strings sex. So let me re-phrase that. If I could afford it -- if I weren't working a low-paying hippie-anarchist day job, if I hadn't recently paid for a big wedding and bought a house (and before you ask: yes, my wife knows about my adventure, and she's fine with it) -- is this a luxury I'd save up for again?

I'm not sure. I had a good time, no question. I walked home after the session with that loose, rumpled, hormone-addled strut people get when they've just gotten it good, as high and relaxed on my way back as I'd been freaked-out and high-strung on my way there. But it was a very weird good time, an awkward good time during much of it, and in many ways a deeply unsettling good time. And while I definitely got off, it didn't shake me to my core. The cool and distant persona I'd been cultivating was as much removed from herself as she was from Rachel, and her core was pretty damn unshakable. Besides, it's hard for my core to be shaken by someone I barely know.

But I have no idea how much of this unease and disconnect was simply unfamiliarity and first-time nerves. It's entirely possible that if I did it again, with experience under my belt and without feeling all anxious and ignorant and self-consciously transgressive, I'd have an even better time.

And in fact, I find that I'm still fantasizing about seeing a pro submissive. Not so much about the session I actually had; instead, I'm fantasizing about what I might do next time. I'm imagining what it'd be like if I let go of my fixation on being selfish and asked for more feedback; and I'm imagining what it'd be like if I could quit worrying about her responses and really let myself be selfish and cruel. And I'm wondering how the reality would stack up to the fantasy the second time around. So if money weren't such an obstacle, then yes. I'd probably do it again.

If only to find out what it was like.

Buying Obedience, Part 3

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This one you almost certainly want to stay away from. It discusses my sex life in some detail... and discusses aspects of my sex life that you probably don't want to know about. Really. Here's a recent post that you might want to read instead, about why I think the "nature, nurture, or both" debate about sexual orientation needs to be based, not on what answer we would like to be true, but on what answer is best supported by evidence.

This is Part Three of a four-part post. In Part One, "Thinking About It," I talked about why I decided to hire a professional submissive in the first place; Part Two, "Planning It," told what it was like to actually shop for, and make plans with, a pro submissive. Today's installment finally gets to the meat of the matter: what happened when I actually showed up for my appointment. This piece was originally published in Other Magazine, and was reprinted in Best Sex Writing 2008.

Buying Obedience:
My Visit to a Pro Submissive

Part Three: Doing It

Did I mention the fretfulness, the anxiety, the blank terror? All of it focused into a laser-beam of panic when I rang the doorbell and walked through the dungeon door. I'm tempted to say that it felt like crossing a line, like stepping across a border into unknown and forbidden territory that I could never return from unchanged. All of which is true, it did feel like that, except I was also aware of what a dorky, over-dramatic metaphor that was. Mostly, I just had no fucking idea what to do next.

But Rachel, of course, was a professional. She knew how to put nervous horny people at ease, and she knew what to do next. She graciously took my money, and she sat me on the sofa and chatted a bit about what we'd be doing, and she walked me around the dungeon showing me her toys... and while part of me was watching the clock tick and wondering, "Am I paying for this?", a much larger part was relieved to have the chance to get my bearings. I was getting a sense of the physical space, which was helping me relax and settle in... and which was giving me ideas.

And of course, now I knew what Rachel looked like. Yes, I'd seen photos on her Website, but we all know about photos. They can lie in so many ways, not least of which is the lies you tell yourself when you look at them. But while Rachel didn't look exactly the way I'd imagined -- she was taller, and dressed more conventionally -- I certainly wasn't disappointed. If anything, her photos didn't do her justice. So by the time the tour was over, I was... not relaxed exactly, but no longer paralyzed. And while I was still deeply weirded out, I was also getting a little turned on.

Continued after the jump. Please note: This post includes explicit descriptions of sexual acts. If you're under 18, please do not continue reading.

Buying Obedience, Part 2

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This one you almost certainly want to stay away from. It discusses my sex life in some detail... and discusses aspects of my sex life that you probably don't want to know about. Really. Here's a piece I wrote recently that you might want to read instead, about why it bugs me when people say "everything happens for a reason."

This is Part Two of a four-part post. In Part One, "Thinking About It," I talked about why I decided to hire a professional submissive in the first place; today's installment tells what it was like to actually shop for, and make plans with, a pro submissive. This piece was originally published in Other Magazine, and was reprinted in Best Sex Writing 2008.

Buying Obedience:
My Visit to a Pro Submissive

Part Two: Planning It

I'll tell you this right off the bat. As soon as I started even thinking about hiring a pro, I immediately got a lot more sympathy for sex customers. I even got more sympathy for some of those customers' more common failings. See, as soon as I started imagining hiring a submissive, I of course started having sex fantasies about it -- and one of my first fantasies was about the woman dropping her professional limits for me and making an exception to the "no sex" rule that most pro submissives have.

Now, customers who push their sex workers to do off-limits stuff is one of the big pet peeves in the industry, an absolute top-notch way for a customer to be an asshole. But now I'm not sure it is about being an asshole. I don't think it's about being a selfish jerk who wants what they want and doesn't care how the other person feels. Or it least, it's not always about that.

I think it's about wanting to be special. It's about wanting to not be just another customer, wanting to be the one the pro likes so much that she (or he) will make an exception and invite you across that line. For me, the pro sub in my fantasies always made the exception because I was a woman -- either the "no-sex" rule didn't apply to girls, or she was so excited about playing with a woman that she let the rule slide. As if lesbian erotic sisterhood was so powerful that it rendered professional limits obsolete. I knew rationally that this was absurd, but it was a very difficult fantasy to let go of. And it was hard not to feel disappointed about it, even before I'd booked the session. I still think pushing sex workers to do off-limits stuff is a top-notch way to be an asshole -- but I now have more sympathy for the impulse.

And once I stopped just thinking about it and started actually shopping around for a pro submissive, my sympathy for customers went sky-high. It was a weirdly nerve-wracking experience, a blend of comparison shopping and answering a personal ad. I wanted to come across as respectful and experienced and interesting and fun: if for no other reason, I knew that sex workers do sometimes turn down customers, and I wanted to look like a good prospect. At the same time, I wanted to be sure I was getting the best person available for my desires, or at least some assurance that I'd actually be getting what I was paying for. To put it bluntly, I wanted to get my money's worth. And while as a former sex worker I'm happy to advise customers, "If you don't hit it off with a sex worker, write it off to bad luck and try again with someone else," that advice was tough to accept when it was my own hard-earned, not-very-plentiful cash on the line.

Continued after the jump. Please note: This post includes explicit descriptions of sexual acts. If you're under 18, please do not continue reading.

Buying Obedience

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This one you definitely want to stay away from. Seriously. It discusses my sex life in a whole lot of detail... and discusses aspects of my sex life that you almost certainly don't want to know about. Here's a funny piece I wrote recently about atheist plumbing that you might want to read instead.

This piece was originally published in Other Magazine, and was reprinted in Best Sex Writing 2008.

Buying Obedience:
My Visit to a Pro Submissive

Part One: Thinking About It

First of all -- no, the book didn't give me the idea. I've thought about hiring a professional submissive for years, long before the book came along. I've thought about it idly, fantasized about it intensely, even read the ads in the back of the adult papers with semi-serious intent. But the book is what gave me the courage, or maybe just the excuse, to go ahead and actually do it.

A quick explanation. See, I edited this book, Paying For It: A Guide by Sex Workers for Their Clients, which is pretty much what it sounds like -- a collection of writing by sex workers, with advice for customers on how to treat sex pros so they like you and give you a better time. I edited the book (and wrote parts of it myself) very much from the point of view of the worker, and while it was written with sympathy and compassion for the customer, it was written entirely in the workers' voices.

But as soon as I started working on the book, I started wondering: What would it be like on the other side?

Part of my interest was professional. How easy would it be, I wondered, to follow the advice in my own book? Would having the guidelines make me feel relaxed and confident about hiring a sex pro? Or would they make me even more anxious about whether I was doing it right?

But mostly, I was just curious. Sexually curious, I mean, not just intellectually curious. What would be different about getting off with someone who was doing it for the money, instead of doing it pro bono? I liked the idea of paying someone so I could have the session be about me me me, so I could be sexually selfish without feeling guilty. That's a big reason I decided to hire a submissive instead of an escort or a dominant -- it fit so beautifully into that fantasy. But would it really be like that? Would I really be able to think of her as my servant girl, there for the sole purpose of doing my bidding and getting me off? Or would I be unable to let go of my reflex of wanting her to like me, wanting her to think I was cool, wanting her to have fun too?

And would the very fact of the money get in the way? Would it make me mistrust my own instincts? Would the money be constantly in my mind, a nagging reminder that she probably wouldn't be there if she didn't have bills to pay? I knew from the writing in "Paying For It" (and from my own experience as a stripper) that sex workers do sometimes like their customers and sometimes even get off with them. But weirdly, knowing this wasn't entirely comforting. It made me want to prove myself, made me want to be one of those special ones... which, of course, made it harder to imagine just selfishly letting myself be catered to. Would I be able to forget about the money? And if not, would I be able to let the money be part of the power dynamic, one of the things that made the encounter unique and hot?

There was only one way to find out.

Tomorrow, Part 2: Planning It.

"As honestly as I could": My Interview with "First City" Magazine

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This one you almost certainly want to stay away from. It discusses my sex life in some detail... and discusses aspects of my sex life that you probably don't want to know about.

I recently did a very interesting interview with a very unexpected outlet: First City Magazine, the city magazine of Delhi, India. They did a long, thoughtful piece about the new Best Sex Writing 2008 anthology, and they included short interviews with several of the book's contributors... including me.

The whole article is worth reading. Alas, it's not currently on the web (they have a nifty blog, but their magazine isn't online yet -- the article is in their April 2008 issue, if you want to order a copy). But they graciously gave me permission to reprint the full text of the interview they did with me. We talked about my piece in BEC 2008 -- Buying Obedience: My Visit to a Pro Submissive -- along with definitions of sex, people's expectations of sex writing, "Singing in the Rain," and more. Enjoy!

First City: Tell us the process of being one of the chosen ones on the anthology. How did it evolve?

Greta: The piece, "Buying Obedience: My Visit to a Pro Submissive," was a piece I wrote for a small, interesting, eclectic magazine here in San Francisco called Other. Actually, I originally wrote it for a different magazine, but it wound up being a lot longer than they were willing to publish -- and one of the nice things about Other is that they publish longer, more in-depth think-pieces as well as short pithy ones. That's increasingly rare in the magazine business.

Anyway, I thought that would be the end of it. I figured it'd run in Other, I'd reprint it on my blog at some point, and that would be that. Then Rachel Kramer Bussel, the editor of Best Sex Writing 2008, asked if she could reprint it in her anthology. I was thrilled. I like this piece a lot -- I think it's some of my better writing -- and it's on a topic that rarely gets talked about. Most writing about sex work is written about the workers; there's not much being written about what it's like to be a sex work customer. I'm glad to see it get a wider audience.

In your piece, you describe a visit to a professional submissive. Can you briefly explain what that involves?

Sure. Many people have heard of professional dominants: women (or sometimes men) who you pay to dominate you, spank you, whip you, order you around, etc. A professional submissive is like that, but the other way around: it's someone you pay so you can dominate them, spank them, order them around, etc. There aren't very many: it's not an area of sex work you go into if you don't enjoy it, and enjoy it a lot.

Like pro dominants, most pro submissives won't have genital sex with their customers: largely to avoid prostitution laws, but partly to keep some boundaries. Typically, a customer of a pro dominant or submissive gets off by masturbating at the end of the session. But different people define "sex" very differently. The pro sub that I hired didn't call what we did "sex," but I sure would.

"Sometimes I think sex is a code word for every dirty, naughty, perverted thought anyone's ever had," is how Rachel puts it in her introduction to the book; how sex becomes like a representative word to use, sort of all-encompassing, even though it can (and does) mean different things to different people. What do you think? (And yes, I have read Are We Having Sex or What? So, is the question redundant then?)

That's an interesting way of putting it. I'm not sure I'd put it in those words, but she has a point. I do think our culture has a tendency to define sex very narrowly... and at the same time, we see it everywhere.

I definitely think this question applies directly to my piece, since the experience I write about -- visiting a professional submissive -- is very much one of those "Are we having sex now or what?" experiences. The pro submissive I visited, Rachel, was very clear that "sex" was off limits: I could dominate her and spank her and such, but I couldn't have sex with her. And yet, even though I completely respected the limits she set, a lot of what we did I would most definitely call "sex." Our personal definitions of what did and didn't count as "sex" were very different. It's one of the things that made it such an odd experience.

I thought the book (title and cover) might attract readers on the lookout for great sex writing, in the sense of this being a pick of the act of sex, described well by writers? Which it's so not, right? What do you think?

I do think people who are purely looking for a naughty thrill may be disappointed by the book. There is sexually arousing, erotic writing in it -- I think my piece is sexually arousing and erotic (a lot of it anyway) -- but that's not the main thrust of the book.

But even the pieces that aren't naughty and exciting are very mind-opening. And that's arousing and erotic in a different way. Having an open mind is key to having a great sex life.

What's the response you've got so far to the book/your piece?

Positive so far. Mostly people are curious and interested. I haven't gotten any angry "How could you oppress that poor woman by giving her money to spank her?" letters so far. Maybe I will, but it hasn't happened yet.

Is there an ideal reader or audience you're expecting?

Not really. Anyone who's interested, I'm happy for them to read it. I would like it to be read by people who think paying for sexual pleasure makes you either a sleazy exploiter or a pathetic loser. But the piece isn't just a pro- sex- work- customer polemic. Anyone who just wants to know what visiting a pro submissive was like is my ideal reader.

I think Buying Obedience gives us perhaps the best post-good-sex description in the book ('loose, rumpled, hormone addled strut people get when they've just gotten it good'), besides making you wonder about paying for sex (and not just how weird/surreal it can be) vis-a-vis "pro bono sex."

Thank you! What a nice thing to say.

Would you say you set out to achieve something for the reader, with the story? Bringing the anxieties you felt out into the open, so readers could identify? Or was it just about the writing of a personal experience for you?

My goal with this piece was just to be as honest about the experience as possible. Like I said before, there's not a lot of writing about sex work from the customer's point of view. So I just wanted to write it as honestly as I could. I didn't want to demonize it, of course -- I do think sex work can be a valid way to have sex, both for the worker and the customer -- but I didn't want to sugar-coat it, either. I just wanted to be as honest with my readers -- and with myself -- as I possibly could, about every aspect of the experience: good, bad, and just plain odd.

Other than that, I tried very hard in this piece to be both personal and analytical. I definitely wanted to describe the physical, emotional, sexual flavor of the experience as vividly as I could... but I didn't want the piece to just be descriptive, either. I'm a very analytical person, and for me trying to understand an experience is a big part of capturing the flavor of it.

Any personal favourites from the book?

I think my favorite is "Sex in Iran." It's such a perfect portrait of how powerful the sexual impulse is. Sex completely defies any attempts to repress it. It makes me both angry about the terrible sexual oppression
that goes on in Iran and elsewhere in the world... and optimistic about the possibility for sexual pleasure despite it, and even for the oppression to someday be overturned.

Finally, just for fun: One song/book/film (all or one) that translates as 'sex' to you?

I don't know about just one book or movie or song. I'm a very sexual person, and so many of them translate as 'sex' to me!

But I'll tell you what's leaping to mind right now: The dance scene between Gene Kelly and Cyd Charisse in "Singing in the Rain." The one where she's wearing the green dress and is slinking around like crazy. She's just so brazen, so open about her sexuality, so blatantly seductive... and she's so beautiful and graceful doing it. They're both such beautiful, graceful people, completely sensual and comfortable in their bodies. I've always thought that was one of the hottest sex scenes in the movies... even though there isn't any sex in it!

Excerpts from this interview originally appeared in First City Magazine, New Delhi, India. Reprinted with permission.

The Bank Job, And The Normalizing Of Kink: The Blowfish Blog

Note to family and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This piece, and the piece it links to, doesn't go into a lot of detail about my personal sex life, but it mentions it in passing. Use your judgment about whether you want to read it. Thanks.

I have a new piece on the Blowfish Blog. It's a review of the new heist movie, "The Bank Job," and... well, do you remember that Saturday Night Live sketch about the welder's review of "Flashdance"? This is sort of like that.

This is the sadomasochist's review of "The Bank Job."

It's called The Bank Job, And The Normalizing Of Kink, and here's the teaser:

Now, secret sex -- even secret sadomasochistic sex -- being used to drive a movie plot is hardly unusual. It's barely worth even mentioning, much less writing an entire column about. But there’s something about the kink in "The Bank Job" that’s very unusual indeed... so unusual in mainstream movies as to be almost unheard of.

And that's this: The movie’s attitude towards the sadomasochism is entirely casual, and entirely non-judgmental.

To find out more, read the rest of the piece. Enjoy!

On Punishment, and the Lack Thereof

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: Although this piece mostly talks about sexual things that I don't do rather than sexual things that I do, it does talk about my personal sex life, and my personal sexual fantasies, in quite a bit of detail. And it talks about aspects of my personal sex life and sexual fantasies that may be way too much information. If you don't want to read about that stuff, please, please don't.

This piece originally appeared on the Blowfish Blog.

I'm going to do something a little different with this piece.

I'm going to talk about something sexual that I don't do, instead of something that I do.

I'm going to talk about punishment.

It may seem strange, but although I've been practicing SM for about twenty years now, I have almost never done what is almost certainly the most common form of SM play. As a top, I've done punishment less than a handful of times... and I've done it as a bottom exactly never, except in a jokey, "wink-wink," kidding around way.

It's not that I haven't done role-playing. But the role-playing I've done hasn't been about, "You've been bad, so I’m going to punish you." It’s been about, “I have power over you, so I'm going to do what I want with you." Punishment has just never interested me.

No, more than that. Punishment has actively freaked me out.

Lately, however, punishment has been sneaking into my fantasies with increasing insistence, and increasing stubbornness.

So I want to look at what it is about punishment that freaks me out... and what it is about it that I'm beginning to find so compelling.

The freak-out part is easy, actually. I already feel bad about myself at the drop of a hat. It takes very little for me to feel like I've fucked up, like I'm a disappointment. And the feeling cuts me to the heart. I hate it. I sure as hell don't want to bring it into the bedroom with me. In the bedroom, I want to feel valued, appreciated. Even if it's by an amoral bully abusing their power over me to get their sadistic rocks off -- I still want to feel like I'm pleasing them. I don't want to feel like I've let them down.

Except lately, that's shifting. In my fantasies, anyway. When I imagine playing with punishment in real life, it feels enticing and seductive... but it also feels like there's an emotional hair-trigger trap in there, one that could go off at any second. This may be one of those fantasies that I decide to keep a fantasy.

But it's rare that a fantasy goes from a major squick, an "I don't even like to think about that" deal, to a central part of my masturbation fantasies. So I want to figure out what exactly is so compelling about it.

And for me at least, it goes back to power.

The rush of power is what gets me off about role-play. The feeling of having power in my hands, of having another person under my control who I can use and manipulate at will; or the feeling of having power wielded over me, of having my body and my sexuality controlled by a strong and forceful person... that's what it's all about. (Apart from the purely physical sadomasochistic pleasure of the pain itself, which is a whole other deal and doesn't need any role-playing or power dynamics to get the job done.)

Now, obviously, you don't need to have punishment to play with power. For most of my sex life, my power games and fantasies have not been about, "I have authority over you and I'm going to punish you because you've been bad." They've been about, "I have power over you, and I'm going to wield it simply because I want to." The baron molesting the scullery maid; the Stasi agent tormenting the captive; the cop violating the citizen... it's pure abuse of power, one person using another simply because they can. And for me, it has a kick like a mule.

But I'm beginning to get that there’s an extra kick of power in punishment.

And that's the power to make the victim feel like they deserve it.

In a "pure abuse of power" scene, you have control over the victim's body. But in a punishment scene, you have power over their mind as well. You have power over their very sense of self. You don't just have the power to make their body suffer -- you have the power to make their conscience suffer, too. You have the power to make them feel, not just helpless and frightened and hurting, but ashamed.

And vice versa. If you're playing the victim, if what you get off on is the feeling of power being wielded over you, I'm beginning to see why punishment could have an intense appeal. If you get off on feeling helpless, on feeling submissive, on feeling small, on feeling bent to someone else’s will... I can see why being punished could be almost irresistible.

Because it would make you feel that way inside as well as out. It would make you feel helpless and submissive, small and bent to someone else's will... not just on your skin and in your muscles and genitals, but in your heart.

And I suspect this is why it feels so dangerous, as well as so enticing.

Are You A Sex Addict?

Please note: This post discusses many different aspects of my personal sex life -- many, many aspects -- in a fair amount of detail. Family members and others who don't want to read that, please don't. Really, really don't.

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

Are you a sex addict?

Probably.

I seem to be.

Via Dr. Marty Klein’s excellent Sexual Intelligence blog comes news of this Sexual Addiction Screening Test from SexHelp.com, a site designed "to help those affected by sexual addiction and compulsivity." The site was created by Dr. Patrick Carnes: inventor of the term "sex addiction," founder and designer of multiple treatment programs for sex addiction, and author of several books on sex addiction.

According to Dr. Klein, Dr. Carnes admits he has no training in human sexuality. But let's not focus on that just now.

Because according to this test, I have a problem.

Which is a bit odd. My life is good; my sex life is great. Things in my life are stable and flourishing, and sex is a happy part of that.

So I don't actually think I have a problem.

I think this test has a problem.

I think this test has several problems. I think this test represents an extremely narrow, rigid view of what can constitute a happy sex life. It pathologizes any kind of sex that's unconventional. It pathologizes any kind of sex that other people are shocked or upset by -- regardless of whether they have any right to be, or whether their sexual sensibilities are reasonable. And it pathologizes anyone who makes sex a high priority in their life.

And I think this is the problem with the way sex addiction commonly gets treated. In fact, I think it's the problem with the whole "sex addiction" theory in the first place. I don't deny that some people behave compulsively around sex, self-destructively and destructively of others. I'd be an idiot to deny that. I just don’t think "addiction" is the right word -- or the right concept -- for that problem.

And I think this shows up in this test. Specifically, it shows up in the way that unconventional sex, sex that defies conservative sexual mores, or making sex a high priority in one’s life, are all seen as signs of sex addiction.

But maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm one of those addicts who can't admit they're an addict. Let's take a look at the test, and at all the questions I answered "Yes" to... and let's see.

(This piece contains explicit descriptions of sex. If you're under 18, please do not continue reading.)

On Punishment, and the Lack Thereof: The Blowfish Blog

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: While the focus of this post is on sexual things that I don't engage in rather than sexual things that I do, it still discusses my personal sex life, as well as my fantasy life, in quite a bit of detail. If you don't want to read about that stuff, please don't.

I have a new piece up on the Blowfish Blog. It's a bit of a departure for me; instead of talking about sexual stuff that I have experience with, I talk about some sexual stuff that I've tended to stay away from... and why I find it both interesting and unsettling. It's called On Punishment, and the Lack Thereof, and here's the teaser:

It may seem strange, but although I've been practicing SM for about twenty years now, I have almost never done what is almost certainly the most common form of SM play. As a top, I've done punishment less than a handful of times... and I've done it as a bottom exactly never, except in a jokey, "wink-wink," kidding around way.

It's not that I haven't done role-playing. But the role-playing I've done hasn't been about, "You've been bad, so I'm going to punish you." It's been about, "I have power over you, so I'm going to do what I want with you." Punishment has just never interested me.

No, more than that. Punishment has actively freaked me out.

Lately, however, punishment has been sneaking into my fantasies with increasing insistence, and increasing stubbornness.

So I want to look at what it is about punishment that freaks me out... and what it is about it that I'm beginning to find so compelling.

For more on why I find this form of play both compelling and freaky, read the rest of the piece. Enjoy!

Male Dom Female Sub

Please note: This post, and the post it links to, discusses my personal sex life -- or to be more accurate, my tastes in porn -- in a certain amount of detail. Family members and others who don't want to read that, please don't.

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

Has anyone else noticed a drastic shift in kinky porn in the last few years?

It used to be that the most common trope in kinky porn was the dominant woman. Madame Cruella, Mistress of Pain, Kitten with a Whip -- these were the themes and images that dominated, if you will, the world of SM porn, both in writing and in visual art. It was a cliche, even: everyone knew the cliche of the powerful business executive who paid to get beaten and humiliated once a week -- or who built a library of fem-dom porn to help him fantasize about it.

But in the last few years, I've been seeing a definite shift. In the kinky porn that comes across my path (and a fair amount of kinky porn comes across my path), I'm seeing less and less porn starring dominant women, and more and more starring submissive women and dominant men.

I'll admit that I haven't studied this trend with any scientific rigor: this observation is very much anecdotal, and I could be talking out of my ass. But I really don't think so. I was actually so used to the prevalence of dominant women in SM porn that it took me a while to realize that they weren't nearly as prevalent as they used to be.

And now I'm wondering: What's that about?

You could argue that this trend is sexism at work. Most porn is still aimed at a primarily male audience, after all. And while men were happy to fantasize about powerful women with whips back when it was overwhelmingly a man's world, as women have been gaining more and more power, men are fantasizing more and more about taking that power away.

I suppose there might be something to that theory. But it can't possibly be all there is. Because women are having these fantasies, too. In droves. Women writers and artists are creating a lot of this male-dom female-sub porn -- and increasingly, a female audience is sucking it up. Myself included. I eat it up like popcorn.

In fact, you could argue that this dynamic is happening because of the opposite of sexism. Women have had submissive and masochistic fantasies for ages, and porn is finally starting to cater to our goddamn fantasies of being the helpless, vulnerable center of attention/ object of desire -- not just men's.

But I think there's something else going on here, something that's key. Again, I haven't studied this with any kind of rigor, so I'm just going to speak for myself, on the assumption that what's true for me may be true for others as well.

I think that we fantasize about what we don't have. Stressed-out city folks dream of tropical paradises and bucolic rural getaways; bored small-town folks dream of the excitement and glamour of the big city. Unhappy single people dream of true love; unhappy married people dream of being footloose and fancy-free. Etc., etc., etc. That's the whole point of a fantasy, isn't it? Even if your life is generally good, you're still not going to fantasize about the things you already have.

So what does this have to do with male-dom female-sub porn? After all, we still live in a sexist world where women have less power than men. Wouldn't women and men alike be fantasizing about men in shackles and women with whips?

In the much broader and more obvious sense, of course that's true. We've made a lot of advances, but the world is still very sexist indeed. But -- again, speaking only for myself now -- in a more immediate day-to-day sense, the reality that I want a fantasy escape from isn't sexism.

It's the fight against sexism.

It's the constant vigilance against the stupid sexist indoctrination that's been sunk into my head since I was an infant. It's the constant struggle to be assertive when I've been taught to be compliant, to speak up when I've been taught to be a good listener, to argue when I've been taught to be agreeable... all without turning into an asshole. It's the constant half-second arguments I have in my head every time a guy says or does something sexist -- is this particular battle worth fighting? Do I respond, or let it go?

It gets exhausting. Not just for women, but for men as well, who're contending with the flip side of gender indoctrination and changing roles and expectations. And I think a big part of the appeal of the male-dom female-sub fantasy is that it offers a break from the fight. It offers an opportunity -- whether in a role-play scene in real life or a masturbation fantasy in your head -- to take a vacation from the battle, to briefly
wallow in the familiar roles, in a safe place that's separate from your everyday life.

And like most vacation spots, for most people it isn't the place where you'd really want to live. Sure, there are people who do 24/7 male-dom female-sub relationships, just like there are people who sell their houses and move to Tahiti. But for most people, part of the pleasure of a good vacation is how happy you are to come home from it, the fresh perspective it gives you on everything you love about your everyday life. The indulgence in a fantasy of a masterful man and a compliant or helpless woman gives you a break from the struggle against sexism in your everyday life... so you can emerge rested and refreshed and ready to do battle once more.

"Pulling the Strings": Greta Interviewed by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: You really, really do not want to read this post. At all. This post goes into quite a bit of detail about aspects of my personal sex life that you almost certainly don't want to know about. If you don't want to read about that stuff, please don't read this post. Thanks.

The "Best Sex Writing 2008" anthology is due out soon, and since I have a piece in it, the book's editor, Rachel Kramer Bussel, just interviewed me about my essay.

The gist of my piece is that, having edited a collection of advice by sex workers for sex work customers (Paying For It: A Guide by Sex Workers for Their Clients), I thought I should experience the sex work relationship from the other side. I wanted to see for myself if the advice in my book was actually helpful. And I was simply curious -- both intellectually and sexually -- about what visiting a sex worker would be like.

Originally published in Other Magazine, the essay, "Buying Obedience: My Visit to a Pro Submissive," discusses in detail what becoming a sex work customer was like -- before, during, and after. The editor's interview with me goes into these ideas in a little more depth, and I thought y'all might be interested in seeing it.

Pain, Connection, and Being Here Now

Note to family members and others who don't want to read about my personal sex life: This post discusses my personal sex life, extensively, and in quite a bit of detail. If that's the sort of thing you don't want to read, then you really, really don't want to read this one. Trust me on this.

This piece originally appeared in the Blowfish Blog.

Why does pain feel good?

Why, for some people, under some conditions, do certain kinds of stimuli that my body would normally process as unpleasant get processed as pleasant instead? Not just pleasant, but hot and dirty and intensely desirable?

I’ve been a practicing masochist (and sadist) for so long that I sometimes forget what an odd thing this is. Pain is pretty much by definition the body saying No. Why is it that in certain conditions, with certain kinds of pain, my body says Yes instead?

Not just Yes, but More, Harder, Please Don't Stop?

And I am talking about pain. Not "intense sensation." Sometimes I'll experience a mild spanking or a sweet flogging as more like a massage or something. But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about P-A-I-N Pain, the kind of pain that my body is screaming No to at the exact moment it's screaming Yes.

It's a little odd. What is it about?

First, let me state for the record: I’m just talking about myself here. I'm not proposing a Unified Field Theory of Sexual Masochism. I'm trying to figure out what's true for me, on the assumption that it might be true for some other people as well.

Okay. So what's this about?

A lot of it is about context, of course: emotions, fantasies. If you have fantasies about power, subservience, force, what have you, pain can intensify the fantasy and make it more immediate, more believable. It's the enforcer of the power, the reminder of who's in charge.

But for me at least, the fantasy isn't necessary. I can get off on a spanking in a completely egalitarian, "this is the two of us doing things together that we both get off on" context, with no power games even in my head. The context does need to be sexual -- if someone hit me across the ass with a cane out of nowhere, I'd experience it as purely unpleasant badness, and I'd be pissed -- but it doesn't need to be about subservience or power or any of that. It can be about two (or more) equal people having sexy fun.

So there's clearly a big component of this that is purely physical: a physiological crossing of the wires so deeply ingrained that I sometimes think it's genetic.

Of course you've got your endorphins, the natural feel-good opiates produced by your brain when you're in pain, etc. etc. But that doesn't completely explain it, either. Endorphins are why a spanking or whipping will generally make me high and happy over the course of a scene. They don't explain why the moment of pain itself -- the instant the lash hits my skin -- gets translated into ecstasy.

I think there's something else going on as well, something that works both in my body and my heart.

It's that pain gets through.

I can be a fairly distant person: frightened of strangers, lots of defenses and barriers, more comfortable alone than in a crowd, more comfortable expressing myself and connecting with people at a distance (hence the writing. and double-hence the blogging!), with a powerful need to withdraw into my head dozens of times a day. Intimacy and connection are hard for me, and during intense moments of intimacy I have a tendency to get distracted, space out, change the subject, crack a joke. Not that uncommon, I suppose.

And I'm also a person who has a hard time being here now. My inner chatterbox is always going a mile a minute, fretting over the past and making elaborate algorithms for the future ("if she says X, I'll say Y; if B happens, I'll do C"). Living in the moment, being completely present and conscious in the here and now: not my specialty. Again, probably not that unusual.

Even during sex. I love vanilla sex too, and once I get lost in the moment of my tongue on a clit or of fingers on mine, I can get well and truly lost. But it takes more concentration for me to get there, more conscious effort to stay in the moment and not space out or get distracted by some weird mental tangent.

Which brings me back to pain.

There is no distraction from the lash of a cane. There is no spacing out, no changing of the subject, no cracking of jokes. The pain brings me into the here and now more effectively and reliably than almost any other experience: more than music, more than exercise, more than art. (The only other thing that really compares is food -- and it has to be astonishingly good food.)

And the pain reminds me that there's another person out there. The moment that the lash lands on my skin is the moment that another person is touching me. And it's a touch that gets all the way through. It's a touch that cuts through my defenses and distractions and the ceaseless running commentary in my head, to land directly in my heart. It's a touch that makes me know, just for a microsecond, that we are both here now, and that we’re here together.

"The Lord is spanking us": An Update

Update:

A question had been raised as to whether the "Jesus spanking" cartoon in my "The Lord is spanking us" post was genuine or a satire. I did a little digging, and with the help of Google and Adele Haze (where I first found the cartoon) I discovered this:

No, the comic isn't a satire. It was produced by The Family, a.k.a. Children of God, an abusive evangelical Endtime religious movement/ cult/ missionary organization. The cult was not only medically irresponsible; it was physically and sexually abusive as well, towards both adults and children. There's a citation of this comic in this legal document; it's 295 pages long, but it's indexed, and you can find a reference to it at the top of the "Medical Neglect" section.

This is officially no longer funny. I feel bad now for thinking that it was.

"The Lord is spanking us"

Please note: This post includes passing references to my tastes in Internet porn. Family members and others who don't want to read that, please don't.

This would be hilarious if it weren't so fucked-up.

Okay, it's still hilarious. But it's also fucked up.

I mean, what kind of heartless bastard teaches children that they get sick because they've been bad? What kind of heartless bastard teaches children to feel guilty when they get sick?

I'll tell you what kind. The kind that pictures Jesus in a Bee Gees haircut, that's what kind.

And don't tell me that this isn't the true faith. I am so sick of that "true faith" stuff I could yak. Millions of people believe this sort of thing -- what makes it not true belief?

Via Adele Haze’s "Spanking Model Speaks". Greta Christina's blog: Your one-stop connection between the atheosphere and the spankosphere.

_______

Update: This is officially no longer hilarious. No, the comic isn't a satire. It turns out to have been produced by The Family, a.k.a. Children of God, an abusive evangelical Endtime religious movement/ cult/ missionary organization. There's a citation of it in this legal document; it's 295 pages long, but it's indexed, and you can find a reference to it at the top of the "Medical Neglect" section.

I need to take a bath now. This is repulsive.

Perfect Porn and Other Myths

This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog. Please note: This piece discusses, not so much my personal sex life, but my tastes and preferences in porn, and it does so in some detail. If you don't want to read that, please don't.

It's almost a throwaway line. And yet it's stuck with me for weeks.

"I figured out pretty soon that, to get a video that pushes all your buttons and doesn’t grate on any squicks, you have to win the lottery and produce it yourself."

This is spanking model Adele Haze, in a blog piece titled Why I Modelled for Lupus Pictures. It's a smart, insightful piece about why she was willing -- not just willing, but happy -- to perform in a spanking video for a production company that she knew was going to physically push her much, much harder than she liked. The piece has some compelling implications, not just about spanking porn or even porn in general, but about any kind of sexual relationship, and indeed any kind of job.

I've written about those implications elsewhere. But right now, I'm fixated on this one comment she made almost in passing. Again:

"I figured out pretty soon that, to get a video that pushes all your buttons and doesn’t grate on any squicks, you have to win the lottery and produce it yourself."

I think this is one of the smartest things I've read about porn. I think it has important implications, for both porn critics and porn consumers alike. And I think it has even bigger implications for porn creators.

I've been a porn consumer for close to thirty years now, and a porn critic for over a decade. And as both a consumer and a critic, I've definitely fallen into the trap Haze is talking about. I've griped about porn -- videos, stories, photo collections, comics, whatever -- being too arty, and I've griped about them being too raw. I've griped when porn took forever to get to the good parts, and I've griped when it rushed to the sex too soon. I've griped when the porn I was watching was too soft-focus and romantic, and I've griped when it treated its characters like meat. I've griped because the performers didn't spank as hard as I liked, and I've griped because they spanked too hard.

In other words, I've definitely griped about porn because it either didn't push all my erotic buttons just right, or because it grated on some of my squicks. I've griped when it hasn't fallen into my perfect window: the perfect amount of artistry without sacrificing spontaneity, the perfect amount of teasing and buildup to get me worked up without getting me frustrated and bored, the perfect degree of roughness or kink to be convincingly real without being terrifyingly brutal.

And I -- along with every other porn consumer and porn critic -- have to acknowledge that this really isn't fair.

Of course I have a right to my erotic buttons. I have a right to express those erotic buttons. And I have a right to seek out porn that pushes them. Absolutely. But it isn't right to act as if porn creators have done something wrong for failing to push them.

Besides, and much more to the point...

The porn that I've loved most passionately hasn't necessarily pushed my erotic buttons at all. And some of it has definitely grated on my squicks. The porn that I've loved most passionately has been the porn that most effectively got across how the people in it felt about the sex they were having -- regardless of whether the sex they were having was sex I wanted to have, or even wanted to fantasize about.

If I can be drawn inside the head and the skin of the performers/ characters/ models, if I can be made to really feel what it feels like to be this person/these people having this sex and to feel what they find hot about it, the actual content can be just about anything. It can be content that would usually bore me, and it can be content that would usually squick me. If I can get why they find it hot, I can generally find it hot myself.

This is the main reason I'm so rabid about authenticity and enthusiasm in video porn. An authentic, enthusiastic performance in a porn video will completely bypass the presence or absence of my erotic buttons, and will turn me on by the sheer force of the performers' own excitement. A competent piece of push-the-buttons porn will only get me off if it hits my buttons successfully.

And I think that's a lot of what's wrong with so much porn. Mainstream video porn especially, but it's true of almost any commercial porn. I think way too much porn focuses way too hard on maximizing their button pushing and minimizing their squick-grating (emphasis on minimizing their squick-grating). They spend way too much time and energy checking off boxes on the "positions and sex acts" checklist (did we get the blowjob? did we get the reverse cowgirl? did we get the anal?) and making sure none of the "avoid at all costs" boxes get touched (did the guys' dicks touch each other? does the girl look even slightly fat?). And as a result, they all too often forget the entire point of the exercise -- namely, to show how exciting it feels to have great sex.