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The "Inappropriate Disclosure Song" Game, and Continued Blog Break

My health problems are mostly cleared up -- thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts! But now I'm going out of town to visit friends for the holiday weekend. I'll try to blog when I'm away, but I can't promise anything: this blasted blog break may have to go on a couple/few more days. (Driving me up a tree, I tell you. I hate not blogging.)

So in the meantime, let's play a game! There's a trope in popular songs that's been tickling me recently, and I'm trying to come up with more examples of it. It's the "Inappropriate Disclosure to Service or Retail Personnel" trope, in which the singer of the song tells the sad/ hopeful story of his or her love life to postal carriers, airline ticketing agents, telephone operators, and other government or commercial representatives who almost certainly care not about the singer's love life, even in the slightest amount.

PostmanThe quintessential example may be Please Mr. Postman, originally by The Marvelettes, covered by The Carpenters, The Beatles, and probably everyone else on Loki's green earth, including Captain Beefheart and Snoop Dogg:

Please Mister Postman, look and see
(Oh yeah)
If there's a letter in your bag for me
(Please, Please Mister Postman)
Why's it takin' such a long time
(Oh yeah)
For me to hear from that boy of mine

There must be some word today
From my boyfriend so far away
Pleas Mister Postman, look and see
If there's a letter, a letter for me

I've been standin' here waitin' Mister Postman
So patiently
For just a card, or just a letter
Sayin' he's returnin' home to me

Adding to the entertaining inappropriateness of the disclosure, we have the bonus inappropriateness of blaming the service personnel for the emotional distress ("So many days you passed me by/ See the tears standin' in my eyes/ You didn't stop to make me feel better/ By leavin' me a card or a letter"). Giving the song, from the postal carrier's viewpoint, that extra piquant touch of annoyance.

Check_inThen we have The Letter, originally by the Box Tops, covered by Joe Cocker:

Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane,
Ain't got time to take a fast train.
Lonely days are gone, I'm a-goin' home,
'Cause my baby just a-wrote me a letter.

Well, she wrote me a letter
Said she couldn't live without me no mo'.
Listen mister can't you see I got to get back
To my baby once a-mo'--anyway...

Dude: The agent at the airline ticket counter doesn't care why you want the ticket. They just need to know what city you're going to, and if you have any baggage to check, and if any people unknown to you have given you items to carry.

Prison-busI can't go on about this trope without mentioning Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree --

Bus driver, please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison, and my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please:

-- in which the singer seeks a sympathetic ear from, of all people, the prison bus driver.

Lily tomlin ernestineAnd when I mentioned this trope to Ingrid, she immediately came up with one of the very best: Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels), by Jim Croce:

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
You see the number on the matchbook is old and faded
She's livin' in L.A.
With my best old ex-friend Ray
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated

Isn't that the way they say it goes
But let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So i can call just to tell them I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels

This one wins some sort of prize for "Highest Ratio of Inappropriate Disclosure to Actual Request for Service." And Croce definitely gets bonus points for spending two verses and two choruses telling the operator all about his sad love life... and then changing his mind and deciding he doesn't want to place the phone call after all.

So what other ones am I missing? I know I'm forgetting some important and obvious ones: I know, for instance, that there have got to be songs about inappropriate disclosure to train conductors and other railway personnel. Help me out, y'all!

BTW, I'm going to impose an arbitrary limit here, and rule out disclosures to bartenders. In theory because it could be argued that listening to people drone on about their love lives is an implicit part of a bartender's job; but mostly for the practical reason that if we don't rule out bartenders, we'll be here all day. Let's play!

Against Nostalgia, or, I'm In Love with the Modern World: On Not Being a Crank, Part 2

Statler-and-waldorf-posterI keep thinking about this question of how to get older without turning into a crank. And today, I want to talk about one of the methods I've long used in my attempts to avoid crankery. It's a fairly simple one, at least in theory:

Listen to music that's being made now.

My rule is this: I don't let myself just listen to music that was recorded when I was in college and my early twenties (or earlier). I make a conscious effort to listen to at least some music that's being made now, by musicians and bands who are still alive and still working. (And no, reunion tours don't count.)

But for some reason, that can be a hard thing for people to do.

R.crumb_draws_the_bluesI was just reading the comic collection R. Crumb Draws the Blues. (Conflict of interest alert: it's published by the company I work for.) In a couple of pieces, Crumb was waxing nostalgic about how great old folk and old blues and old jazz and old country music was -- all well and good, I heartily support those sentiments. He was ranting about how music has become professionalized, something an audience listens to rather than something a culture engages in -- again, sentiments I largely share. In fact, one of the big reasons I'm a folk nerd is how strongly I feel about people making their own music and other art as a way of resisting homogenized corporate culture.

But he was also ranting about how universally horrible modern music was. And that, I have no truck with. I love R. Crumb, I like this book, and I certainly respect the guy's cred on the topic of old- time music. But I think he completely missed the boat here.

And I want to talk about what that boat is, and why it's important.

The Crumb piece reminded me of a comment Dave Barry once made. I forget now what the piece was about... but the comment was something along the lines of (I'm paraphrasing here), "Music made in the '70s is all crap. The music I listened to in the '60s... now, that was great music. But '70s music, it's just this bland, banal junk."

Clash coverAnd I was gobsmacked by how ignorant and out- of- touch this was. Yes, the '70s were the decade of Bread and America and Hall & Oates. But some amazing music was made in the '70s. I mean, the '70s was when punk happened. The Clash, the Boomtown Rats, Siouxsie and the Banshees, the Stranglers... all '70s bands. And not just punk. David Bowie, Neil Young, Talking Heads... '70s. Some of these folks got their start in the '60s, and some had careers that extended into the '80s... but they were making some of their best music right in the heart of the supposedly banal '70s.

And some seriously crap music was being made in the '60s. Sure, you can wax nostalgic about the brilliant cutting- edge music made in 1967. You wanna know what the Number One hit song of 1967 was? "To Sir With Love."

Which brings me to my first major point. I think there are two things that make it easy to think everything was better in the good old days. There's Sturgeon's Law -- and there's the filtering process of time.

Sturgeon's Law states, quite simply, that 90% of everything is crap. Romantic comedies, symphonies, science fiction novels, porn videos, dress designs, epic poems, comic books, popular music... 90% of all of it is crap.

Pride and prejudiceBut time has a tendency to filter out the crap. We don't listen to the mediocre 18th century operas; we don't read the mediocre 19th century novels; we don't watch the mediocre silent movies. We listen to Mozart, read Jane Austen, watch Buster Keaton. We listen to Janis Joplin and The Who. "To Sir With Love"? Not so much.

It's not a perfect filtering process. Some good stuff gets filtered out; some mediocre crap gets through the screen. But on the whole, we let the crap get swallowed into the maw of history, and hang onto the good stuff. Which makes it very, very easy to mistakenly think that the operas and novels and movies and popular songs of the old days were so much better than any of the crap they're making today.

And we tend to hang on to the good stuff in our memories as well. If we have fond memories of our youths or our college days or whatever, we tend to remember the good music and so on from those days... and conveniently forget how much dreck was around back then. And since it takes a certain amount of effort, and you need to sort through a fair amount of dreck, to find good music or whatever being made now, it's way too easy to just keep listening to the stuff that we know is good and that we know we like.

Which brings me to my next point.

I jonathanThere's a Jonathan Richman song, "Summer Feeling," that captures almost perfectly what I'm getting at. The song is about the giddy, exuberant, irresponsible- in- the- best- sense- of- the- word freedom of youth: childhood, or college, or whatever youth you had that you loved. And it's about how important it is to hang on to some of that feeling and to re-create it here and now... and how poisonous and sad it is to just let yourself be haunted by memories and lost opportunities. (For the usually chipper Jonathan Richman, the song is kind of a downer.)

And there's a verse that goes like this:

When even fourth grade starts looking good
Which you hated
And first grade's looking good too
Overrated
And you boys long for some little girl that you dated
Do you long for her or for the way you were?

Do you long for her, or for the way you were?

Do you long for the music... or do you long for who you were when you were first listening to the music?

And when you long for that feeling, do you try to find something happening here and now that makes you feel that way? Or do you just listen to the music that used to make you feel that way?

Which brings me -- somewhat harshly, I'll admit -- to my real point.

I think nostalgia is the easy way out.

Big book of nostalgiaI think it's way too easy to just reflexively say, "Music/ life/ whatever was so much better back in the old days... but those days can never be recaptured, they're gone for good. So instead of trying to find music or movies or whatever stuff is good now, I'm just going to keep listening to stuff from the old days that I know I like. And I'm going to gradually sink into old crankhood, and gripe about the world instead of taking part in it or trying to understand it."

It's a cop-out. It's a way of evading responsibility for participating in your life, and in the world -- here, and now. It's an excuse for avoiding the risks and the emotional rollercoaster of engaging with the world around you. It's an excuse for sitting on the sidelines and watching the world go by. This modern world sucks -- so why bother?

Charles Burns Black HoleWell, I'm going to go out on a limb here: This modern world does not suck. Like Jonathan Richman from another song, I'm in love with the modern world. I love literary graphic novels, and slow-core, and feminism, and the atheist blogosphere, and queer contra dancing, and readily available legal pornography, and organic produce delivered to my door, and same-sex marriage, and email, and "The Office," and being openly bisexual without fear. Of course there are disappointments and horrors in the modern world. You don't have to tell me that. Some are the same old disappointments and horrors we've had since the dawn of humanity; some are brand new to our time. But there are joys in the modern world as well: some are the same old joys we've had since the dawn of humanity, and some are brand new to our time.

And the modern world has one enormous advantage over the old days: It's the world I live in. It's the world I can take part in, now, today. The old days had their plusses and minuses (and of course I'll enjoy their plusses if I can); the modern world has its plusses and minuses. But the modern world is a parade I can march in. Nothing beats that.

13th floor elevatorsYou know what? If what you truly love is old- time bluegrass or '60s psychedelia? That's cool. It might behoove you to check out some modern music anyway -- there are contemporary musicians doing some interesting interpretations of bluegrass and psychedelia -- but life is too short to listen to music that you hate. There are wonderful things from the past, and by all means, we should be enjoying them and preserving them and keeping them alive.

But we shouldn't treat our aesthetic preferences as a moral imperative. We shouldn't pretend that it's a serious life philosophy to gripe about kids these days and their crazy fashions. We shouldn't act as if shutting out the modern world somehow makes us discerning and superior.

And if we catch ourselves reflexively saying, "(X) was so much better in the old days, they just don't make (X) like they used to," I think it's worth making an effort to remember all the generic, banal crap that was being cranked out in the old days... and to pay attention to the good stuff being made right now.


Low the great destroyerP.S. Right now, my favorite band is Low, this gorgeous slow-core band with harmonies that send literal physical chills through my body. I'm also listening to Varttina, a band from Finland that marries eerie Eastern European folk harmonies with a peppy pop sensibility; and the Mountain Goats, a "guy with a guitar" project that's somehow both lush and spare; and Nick Cave, who feeds my inner morbid brooder; and Joanna Newsom, with her profoundly strange voice that on first hearing sounds like a cat wailing and on second hearing sounds like an avant- garde angel; and Radiohead, who walk that beautiful thin line between accessible straight-up rock and edgy industrial unlistenability. Just for starters. What music being made today are you listening to, and what do you like about it? And on the larger question -- what specific techniques have you developed for avoiding crankhood and staying in touch with the world as you get older?

Also in this series:
On Not Being a Crank

Religion and Creepy Celebrities, or, The Tom Cruise Phenomenon

Disgust maskHas anyone else had this happen to them?

There are certain actors and musicians and other celebrities -- not many, but a handful -- who, solely because of their religious beliefs and the way they choose to express them -- I can no longer stand to watch.

And I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. I'm trying to parse out the difference between religious bigotry (which I have serious problems with), and being grossed out by someone's ideas and opinions and general demeanor (which seems pretty reasonable). Then you add in the whole "should an artist's personal beliefs affect your opinion of their art, and if so, how and to what degree" question... and the whole thing gets very complicated indeed.

Tom cruise scientologyThe most obvious example of this, for me, is Tom Cruise. I used to like Tom Cruise a fair amount: my take on him was that he did a lot of dreck, but when he sunk his teeth into a decent script and got a director who didn't give a shit about his boyish charm, he could do seriously good work. I found him compelling in "Eyes Wide Shut," I thought he was the one genuinely interesting thing about "Rain Man" (a movie that I generally loathed), and his performance in "Magnolia" was nothing short of masterful. I knew he was a Scientologist, and I found that ooky.... but if you refuse to see any movies or TV or music made by Scientologists, you'd be pretty cut off from American popular culture. So I managed to not care about it all that much.

But ever since his fabled series of icky Scientological outbursts, I've been unable to look at his smug little face without feeling nauseous. If I'm flipping channels and come across "Jerry Maguire" or "Interview with the Vampire" -- movies I used to like a fair amount -- I now just keep on flipping. I have a moment of thinking, "Oh, yeah, I like that movie, I could watch that for a while"... and then I remember that Tom Cruise is in it, and I flinch, and I walk on by.

Passion-of-the-ChristAnother example is Mel Gibson. I never liked him as much as I liked Tom Cruise... but I've always cited the first "Lethal Weapon" movie in my list of "action movies with some genuine substance," and I always remembered that he used to be a real actor, back in the days of "Gallipoli" and "The Year of Living Dangerously." He pretty much had already lost me with the "open incitement to gay- bashing" that was "Braveheart," not to mention his other examples of vile homophobia... but the grotesquery of "The Passion of the Christ," and his drunken anti-Semitic rant, have made me unable to contemplate his visage without wanting to yak.

Expelled posterAnd finally, before I move on: Ben Stein. Again, it's not like I loved the guy. I knew, for instance, that he was a rabid anti-choice advocate, not to mention a speechwriter for Nixon, and any project he was at the center of (like that show "Win Ben Stein's Money"), I would have no truck with it. But if he had a bit part in some movie, I could cope. Now, ever since he got involved in the "Expelled" fiasco, I can't. I can't even see his face without being viscerally repulsed. I've never seen "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and now I think I probably never will.

And I'm trying to figure this out.

The thing is... it's not really consistent. There are plenty of actors/ musicians/ other celebrities and artists with religious beliefs I find appalling or just silly, and I can enjoy their work with a minimum of retching. John Travolta, for instance. I know that he's a big-time Scientologist. I don't love this fact. But it doesn't get in the way of my enjoying "Pulp Fiction" or "Primary Colors." And I didn't stop watching "The Simpsons" when I found out that Nancy Cartwright was a Scientologist.

So what's the difference?

John travolta hairsprayFor me, a lot of it is how hard-core the icky religious beliefs are. John Travolta, for instance, is a pretty high- profile Scientologist -- he even made that stupid L. Ron Hubbard sci-fi movie -- but he also apparently does that inconsistent compartmentalization thing that drives atheists nuts when we're debating believers but that also makes peaceful co-existence possible. (Scientology has pretty strict strictures against homosexuality... and yet Travolta made "Hairspray." And has insisted in interviews, despite all evidence to the contrary, that Scientology isn't really homophobic. Which makes me want to smack him across the head and scream, "It is so!"... but given a choice between a believer who submerges their own moral compass and lets it be subsumed by their religion, and a believer who relies on their own functioning moral compass and tries half-assedly to contort their religion around it, I'll take the latter any day.)

Nancy cartwright bart simpsonBut a lot of the difference is how central someone's icky religion is to their public persona. Nancy Cartwright, for instance, hasn't become the central spokesmodel in a documentary about how criticism of Scientology is de facto bigoted censorship, the way Ben Stein did. She hasn't produced a movie putting the vilest aspects of Scientology on gruesome display as if they were something to be proud of, the way Mel Gibson did. And when I've seen her do interviews, she doesn't talk at length about Scientology and how it proves that psychiatry is a fraud. She talks about The Simpsons.

I'm not sure that's fair, though. Is it really right to punish consistency and adherence to one's ideals, and to reward fickleness and crass "I don't want to piss off the public" pragmatism? This is a question I often face with religion, and I haven't yet come to any resolution about it.

And my list of "flaws that make me retch irrevocably and that I can tolerate" is definitely not fair or rational. Why will icky religious opinions turn me off an artist now, in the same way that icky opinions about women or homosexuality have done for a long time? It's probably nothing more than the fact that I'm thinking about religion more these days. And that's not being consistent, either.

Low-The-Great-destroyerOf course, part of this issue, as Ingrid points out, isn't about how gross the religious beliefs are. It's about how gross the people's behavior is about those beliefs. It's not just that the beliefs of Cruise and Gibson and Stein are repugnant; it's that they've behaved so repugnantly about them, in ways that are dishonest and hateful and contemptuous of others. And that's going to turn me against somebody, regardless of anything to do with religion. As an example in the other direction: Right now, pretty much my favorite band in the world is Low. The members of Low are Mormons. I have pretty strong negative feelings about the Mormon religion, both its tenets and its organization. And yet, I don't transfer those negative feelings onto Low... because to the best of my knowledge, they aren't jerks about their faith. (The last time I saw them play, they used the word "shit" and said they wanted to kill George W. Bush, which makes me [a] like them and [b] think that whatever their religious beliefs are, it's not your garden- variety Mormonism. Of course, I've found myself shying away from finding out more about the detail's of Low's religious beliefs, for this very reason -- because I don't want to find out something that's going to make me dislike them -- but that's a topic for another post.)

Wagner_ring_cdBut the problem with that -- the problem with this whole snarly issue, in fact -- is that, as a general theoretical principle, I do think that critique and appreciation of art should usually be separated from opinions about the artist. It's not always possible, and I can think of instances where it's not even desirable... but on the whole, I think it's a goal worth reaching for. It's different when the artist in question is still alive -- when it comes to Wagner, for instance, there's not that soiled, complicit feeling you get from knowing that your money is financing an anti-Semitic creep. But as a rule, I think that rejecting art because you don't like the opinions of the artist is an inhibiting minefield at best, and a serious missing of the point at worst. One of the whole points of art is that it opens your mind to different ways of seeing the world... and that doesn't work if you're only willing to be opened to perspectives you already agree with.

Jerry-maguireBut the thing is? This "I can't stand to watch Tom Cruise" thing isn't a carefully considered ethical and aesthetic choice. It's an emotional response. Even if I came to the conclusion that my visceral rejection of Tom Cruise wasn't fair and I should simply assess him on the basis of his work... I'd still flip past "Jerry Maguire" on the TV with a shudder and a desire to take a shower. The stomach has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. And life is too short to spend watching actors who make me want to retch. There are plenty of actors who don't. I can live a rich, full life without ever seeing another Tom Cruise movie again.

I do think it's sort of a shame, though. I'd like to see "Gallipoli" or "Magnolia" again. I'd like to see "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" someday. I don't like feeling cut off from entire avenues of art and popular culture just because some of the people involved are jackasses with creepy religious beliefs.

Thoughts?

The Great Gruesome Christmas Carols

Christmas carols And now for something completely different.

I'm one of those freakish people who actually likes Christmas carols. Not the gloppy, cutesy, "Suzy Snowflake" modern variety so much (although I do have a soft spot for "Silver Bells"), but the soaring, haunting, gorgeous classic ones. "Angels We Have Heard On High," "The Holly and the Ivy," "The Angel Gabriel," that sort of thing.

And one of the things I like about them is how totally freaky some of them are.

There's this annual Christmas party I go to every year (although I had to miss it this year, damn and blast), at which the singing of Christmas carols and other seasonal and not- so- seasonal music is a centerpiece. A few years back, I went on the Internet and pulled together a lyric sheet, so we could actually sing all the songs all the way through instead of tapering off pathetically after the first verse.

And you know what I found? Some Christmas carols are truly gruesome. Startlingly gruesome. Freakishly and hilariously gruesome.

So I thought I should share with the rest of the class.

We start with a classic: the fourth verse of "We Three Kings of Orient Are."

Myrrh Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom;
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Sealed in the stone cold tomb.

I love that one. It rings out so lustily -- especially when a room full of eggnog- tiddly heathens is belting it out.

Then we have this gem: two little lines from the 1865 "Greensleeves" parody rewrite, "What Child Is This":

Crucifixion Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.

Well, it definitely reminds you of the reason for the season. You can't deny that.

Then we have the lesser- known, but haunting and really quite lovely "Coventry Carol" (here's the tune, in case you don't know it). With this charming third verse:

Slaughter of the innocents Herod the king in his raging,
Charged he hath this day,
His men of night, in his own sight,
All children young to stay.

The fourth verse is a charmer, too, although somewhat lacking in the vivid "dead children" imagery:

Then woe is me, poor child, for thee,
And ever mourn and say,
For thy parting not say, nor sing,
By, by, lullay, lullay.

But the best -- the very, very best, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords of gruesome Christmas carols -- has got to be the "Corpus Christi Carol," a.k.a. "Down In Yon Forest." There are different versions of it, but the one I found when I was putting together the songbook goes like this:

Dead knights Down in yon forest there stands a hall
(The bells of paradise I heard them ring)
It's covered all over with purple and pall
(And I love my Lord Jesus above anything)

In that hall there stands a bed
It's covered all over with scarlet so red

Under the bed there runs a flood
One half runs water, the other runs blood

On the bed there lies a knight
Whose wounds do drip down both by day and by night

By the bed there lies a hound
Who laps at the blood as it daily drips down

At the bed's foot there grows a thorn
Which ever so blossomed since Jesus was born

(Here's a nifty folk-Goth version of it by my friend Tim Walters and his occasional project Conjure Wife; here's a YouTube video with a more conventional rendition, although for some reason it's lacking the verse about the vampire dog.)

So Merry Christmas, everybody! And in the midst of this terrible, disrespectful, heathenistic War on Christmas, let's all remember the reason for the season: a life of gathering gloom, flesh pierced through with nails and a spear, children slaughtered by a raging king, and -- merriest of all -- a half-blood, half-water river, blood dripping from a wounded knight, and a dog licking up the blood. Let me know if there's any I've forgotten, or any I haven't heard of yet. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

"Old Time Religion": And The Winner Is...

Old time religionMy deepest and most wildly entertained thanks to everyone who participated in the "Old Time Religion" song parody contest. We definitely have some wonderful new verses now to liven up the repertoire at drunken folk-nerd parties. And in a way, you're all winners.

But in another, more accurate way, Cuttlefish is the winner.

Oh, like anyone's surprised...

Let's start with the honorable mentions and the runners-up. (FYI, some slight adjustments have been made on a few of these to make them scan perfectly, since I'm a little obsessive- compulsive about scanning.) A very fond honorable mention goes to Tim Walters, for:

Cthulhu for presidentLet us bow down to Cthulhu
Most implacable and cruel, who
Always covers me with drool; you
Know that's good enough for me.

Give me that cold slime religion...

FYI, the only reason this verse doesn't get a higher score is that I've heard the verse before (plus it seemed unfair to pick my personal friends as winners). I didn't know Tim wrote it, though; it just sounds like it's part of the canon, which is always a good sign in the folk process. (If you hear anyone say that the folk song/ dance/ tune you've written is very old and nobody knows who wrote it, you know you've arrived...)

More Honorable Mentions to traumerin, for:

Let us bow down to Astarte
Though the Hebrews call her tarty,
She knows how to throw a party,
And that’s good enough for me.

To Charlotte, for:

MinervaLet us now worship Minerva
Study with religious fervor
Then go kill those who don't serve her -
Hell, that's wise enough for me!

To mandydax:

Let us worship our Sky Fairy.
Lo, His chin is rather hairy.
He says don't eat meat with dairy,
And that's good enough for me.

To Danielle -- several people had good ones about the Discworld gods, but this is my favorite:

Let us all worship Blind Io
With his many eyes that fly-o.
God of thunder up on high-o,
He is good enough for me.

To Seth Manapio, for one of the best Flying Spaghetti Monster ones:

When he comes the Pasta Brethren
Will have beer and television
We'll have strippers up in heaven
And that's good enough for me

To Pierce R. Butler, for the only Pascal's Wager one:

Blaise_Pascal Let us worship all the gods
Some are dudes, and some are broads
Pascal says that gives great odds
And that's good enough for me!

To Indigo, for another fine one in the Made Up Atheist Religion Series:

Let's bow to the hidden dragon
In the garage of Carl Sagan
Can't be known and that's not braggin'
And that's good enough for me!

To Rebecca, for one that's both ancient and raunchy:

All you virgins sing to Vesta...
(empty pause)
Come, I promise we won't test ya...
(pause)
Well I guess that's it for Vesta
And that's good enough for me.

And now for the winners. Second runner-up goes to JohnnyPotamus, for my favorite in the Flying Spaghetti Monster series (and for some of the best rhymes ever):

Flying Spaghetti Monster I will worship His Great Noodles
'Cause he doesn't give two toodles
What we do with our own doodles
And that's good enough for me!

First runner-up goes to Claire B., for writing the Russell's Teapot one that I couldn't come up with:

TeapotLet us worship Russell's Teapot
Though it cannot keep your tea hot
Yet disprovable it be not
And that's good enough for me

(Claire B. had other good ones, including an excellent one on Carl Sagan's Dragon, but I'm limiting myself to one per customer.)

And finally, we come to the winner. It was hard to pick just one by Cuttlefish; he had so many excellent ones. But ultimately, me being me, I have to go with this one:

ApolloAt the Temple of Apollo
Some will lead and some will follow
Some will spit and some will swallow
And that's good enough for me.

The masterful Cuttlefish, Poet Laureate of the Atheosphere, wins his choice of a free copy of any of my three books that he wants: Paying For It, Three Kinds of Asking For It, or Best Erotic Comics 2008. Drop me an email or a comment to let me know which (if any) of these you'd like, Mr. Fish, and I'll ship it off to you pronto.

And thanks to everyone for playing! This has been more fun than a barrel of apologetics, and I can't wait to unleash these at the next drunken folk nerd party.

"I will try not to sing...": Joe Cocker With Subtitles

I don't think I have anything to add to this video.

Mostly because it makes me laugh so hard I can't talk.

It's probably funnier if you've seen the movie "Woodstock" (or heard the album); but it should still be a darned good time if you haven't. BTW, the joke doesn't start until about 30 seconds in, but it's worth waiting for and not jumping ahead.

Video below the fold, since putting videos above the fold mucks up my archives.

Continue reading ""I will try not to sing...": Joe Cocker With Subtitles" »

Atheism in Pop Culture: "Old Time Religion"

This one should be fun. In fact, I think we can make it into a contest.

Give-me-that-old-time-religion It's the pagany folk nerd song parody of "Old Time Religion."

(You know. "Give me that old time religion/ Give me that old time religion/ Give me that old time religion/ It's good enough for me.")

I've loved this ever since I first heard it. Apart from just being silly and fun with many ridiculous rhymes, it's a neat reminder that Christianity really isn't "that old time religion" -- many religions are much, much older. And it has a nice, gentle, "making fun of everyone equally" quality that I'm very fond of.

Technically, I suppose it's not atheist. It's more "pagan/ disrespectful of organized religion." And technically I suppose it's not pop culture, either, unless you consider folk nerd song parodies to be pop culture. But I don't care. The subject of Druids came up at work the other day, and this verse popped into my head, and I decided I had to share with the rest of the class:

Druidic_ritual_Stonehenge_2 Let us worship like the Druids
Running naked through the woo-ids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
And that's good enough for me.

(Give me that old time religion, etc.)

There are about eight hundred thousand verses floating around in the folk nerd world and on the 'Net, but not all of them are gems. Here are a few that I'm particularly fond of:

Aphrodite Let us worship Aphrodite
In her silky see-through nightie
Though she's mean and somewhat flighty
She's good enough for me.

Let us sacrifice to Isis
She will help us in a crisis
And she hasn't raised her prices
And that's good enough for me.

Let us all bow down to Buddha
There's no other God who's cuter
Comes in copper, brass, and pewter
And that's good enough for me.

Let us travel to Valhalla
In Volkswagens, not Impalas
Singing "Deutschland Uber Alles"
And that's good enough for me.

Kali_Devi Let us sacrifice to Kali
Let us worship her, by golly
To ignore her would be folly
And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship Zarathustra
Let us worship like we used to
I'm a Zarathustra booster
And that's good enough for me.

This next has always been my favorite:

Loki Let us sacrifice to Loki
He's the old Norse god of chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme, or scan
And that's good enough for me.

And to show that it's an equal opportunity song parody, there are at least two verses on Christianity:

Let us all bow down to Mary
For she hasn't lost her cherry
And she cures the beri-beri
And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship like the Quakers
(silence)
(silence)
And that's good enough for me.

I wrote the next two myself:

Bacchus Let us now form up a caucus
So that we may worship Bacchus
For his followers are raucous
And that's good enough for me.

(Alternate last line: "For his followers will fock us...")

Let us sacrifice to Hades
Looking spiffy in his shade-es
He's a devil with the ladies
And that's good enough for me.

My good friend Rebecca wrote this one:

There's a graven image of Ba'al
That I bought for my front ha'al
At the graven image ma'al
And that's good enough for me.

And my good friend Nosmo King wrote this verse, totally on the fly the first time he heard the song, earning the eternal admiration of all the drunken folk nerds at that particular party:

Yin_and_Yang.svg Let us walk the path of Tao
Though it hasn't got much wow
But it's in the here and now
And that's good enough for me.

So now it's your turn! At parties we keep singing the same ones again and again, and we need new ones. Plus we desperately need some from the atheist pantheon of made-up religions, and I'm having a hard time rhyming "flying spaghetti monster" and "invisible pink unicorn." (I'm about halfway there on Russell's Teapot -- something about "It's impossible to see, but" -- but so far I'm failing to come up with a last line.)

So chime in with your verses! The winner -- picked entirely by me at my own whim -- will get a free copy of any of my three books that they want: Paying For It, Three Kinds of Asking For It, or Best Erotic Comics 2008. Entries must be made in the comments by August 31. Have fun, y'all!

(Druid photo by La Repubblica.)

Suzanne

As promised a couple of weeks ago. But first, a shout-out to my old friend Max on this one, since it was really his idea.

Guitar_neckBack in college, a bunch of us were hanging out, and I was playing "Suzanne" on the guitar (non-ironically, even -- was I ever so young?), and Max started ad-libbing this incredibly mean-spirited, very funny parody of it. I can't remember any of the words to it anymore, but the spirit has lived on in my brain ever since, and I finally stopped trying to remember his words and just came up with my own. (The last line of the chorus is actually Max's -- it's the only one of his I could remember.) I wrote the first verse and the chorus years ago; I wrote the final verse last month.

So here it is: my mean-spirited, hopefully funny song parody of "Suzanne." FYI, I'm skipping the second verse. Yes, I know it's the one about, "And Jesus was a sailor/When he walked upon the water," and it would seem ripe for my evil tongue/ pen/ laptop. But I think song parody is a dish best served in small portions, and two verses plus a chorus seems like oodles already. Enjoy!

Suzanne

Ravi_shankarSuzanne takes you down
To her place in the Village
You can listen to Bob Dylan
And that goddamn Ravi Shankar
And her Indian print bedspread
Catches dust and makes you sneezy
And she feeds you tea and oatcakes
That come all the way from Brooklyn
And she'll drive you to distraction
With her half-assed Eastern wisdom
And you think she's really batty
But she makes you really horny
And you know you'll get some off her

Chorus:
And you want to shake some sense into
That ditzy spaced-out brainpan
And you think she's really batty
But still you're very sexually attracted to her

Tie_dyeSuzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to her bedroom
She is wearing tie-dye headbands
From this little shop in Chelsea
And her tea tastes just like seaweed
From the stinky New York Harbor
And she shows you all her pottery
From when she went to Hampshire
There are vases shaped like Buddha
There are bongs with little peace signs
She is asking if you like them
And you make your lie convincing
'Cuz you know you'll get some off her.


Other posts in this series:
Joe Hill
Super Geek

Dreams, Pop Songs, and Joe Hill

Interpretation_of_dreamsAnd speaking of dreams...

It's always bugged me a little that, when pop songs and folk songs talk about dreams, they never sound like any dream I've ever had. No blogging about atheist plumbing; no shoe store run by the Museum of Modern Art; no evil balloon animals trying to kill my girlfriend. No surrealism at all. Dreams in pop songs and folk song are almost always ridiculously straightforward. "I dreamed that the girl I had a crush on was dating me." "I dreamed that my ex and I were back together." "I dreamed that a dead labor leader was giving me advice about life."

Okay -- that last one is pretty surreal, now that I think about it.

Anyway, I was thinking about what a folk or pop song would be like if it were about actual dreams. And I haven't shared a song parody here in a while -- and this is one of my favorites. Hence the following. (To the tune of "Joe Hill" by Alfred Hayes and Earl Robinson, popularized by Joan Baez.)

Joe Hill
by Greta Christina

Red_ballI dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night
In my old high school hall
He asked about my big math test
And bounced a bright red ball
And bounced a bright red ball.

Test"I spaced out on my math test, Joe
I'm going to fail," said I.
Then we were in my living room
And Joe began to fly
And Joe began to fly.

EggI dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night
He looked just like my dad
I offered him a hard-boiled egg
But Joe just looked real sad
But Joe just looked real sad.

(Next week: "Suzanne.")

Other posts in this series:
Super Geek

Atheism in Pop Culture Part 7: The Motherlode

TedwilliamsTed Williams and Nina Hartley. David Cronenberg and Dave Barry. Brian Eno and Barry Manilow. Joss Whedon and Andy Rooney. Sarah Vowell and Ted Turner.

All atheists.

I've found the "atheism in pop culture" motherlode, people. It's the Celebrity Atheist List, "an offbeat collection of notable individuals who have been public about their lack of belief in deities."

And it's hilarious.

It's just such a fascinating mish-mosh. I'd be hard pressed to find any other characteristic that all these people have in common, apart from being carbon-based humanoid life forms.

ManilowI mean -- Barry Manilow?

Really?

And that's what I like about it. It's such a rich vein of counter-examples to the stereotype of atheists as sad, hopeless, amoral, unpatriotic, self-centered nihilists who only live for ourselves and only live for the moment.

Dave_barryAfter all, are you really going to call Dave Barry sad and hopeless? Andy Rooney unpatriotic? Studs Terkel nihilistic? Salman Rushdie self-centered and amoral? Did Pat Tillman live only for himself? Does Barbara Ehrenreich live only for the moment?

Plus it's just hilarious. I mean -- Mickey Dolenz and Ingmar Bergman! Jean-Luc Godard and Ani DiFranco! Ray Romano and Marie Curie! Noam Chomsky and Bjork!

Hours of time-wasting fun. Check it out. And tell me who your favorites are!

How Sweet the Sound: Atheism and Religious Music

PesuasionsThis weird thing has been happening since I started with the atheist blogging. I'm not happy about it, and I'm wondering if other godless people have experienced it -- and if so, how you've dealt with it.

What's happening is that I don't want to listen to religious music anymore.

When a song about Jesus or God comes up on my shuffle, I feel this cringing, this little internal flinch. And I almost always skip past it.

Love_god_murderIt didn't used to be that way. I was always able to just listen to the music, and either ignore the words or appreciate them as expressing a common human sentiment I didn't happen to share. Like sad tortured love songs, or murder ballads. Unless the religious content was unusually heavy or actually offensive, I never even thought about it that much.

But since I've been spending so much time writing -- and thinking -- about atheism and religion, my feelings about religious music have become completely different. Not my thoughts, you understand, or my opinions. My thoughts and opinions about religious music are very much what they ever were. It's a purely emotional response. The response is, "This is fucked-up. I don't want to listen to this."

And I don't like it.

Anonymous_4Some of my favorite music has religious content. I don't want to not like it. I don't want to flinch when I hear it. Some of the best music ever written is religious music. And there's lots of it. I don't want to be cut off from it all.

It's especially a problem now because it's Christmastime. And while I realize this makes me a total freak, I actually like Christmas carols. A lot of them, anyway. I don't like the sappy Musak versions, or the drippy modern ones like (shudder) "The Little Drummer Boy." But "Joy to the World"? "Angels We Have Heard On High"? "The Angel Gabriel"? That shit rocks!

I don't want to not like Christmas music. I like liking Christmas music. I want to be able to hear it, and sing it, and be happy about it. And as much as I like the secular songs and the parodies, I don't want to be limited to them.

Mozart_requiemIt's not usually a problem if the music is in Latin or something; I can listen to Mozart's "Requiem" happily and joyfully. It's definitely the words that create the problem.

Which clues me in to why I think this is happening. Since I started atheist blogging, I read religious writing all the time. I read more religious writing than I have at any time in my life since I was a religion major in college. Way, way more. I read it, I think about it, I engage with it, I debate it -- on an almost daily basis.

Sacred_harpSo now, when I hear, "Help me, Jesus, my soul's in your hands," or, "And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on," or, for fuck's sake, "Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel/And ransom captive Israel" (my candidate for the most anti-Semitic Christmas carol ever)... it doesn't make me think of country roads or street-corner choirs or snowy evenings by the tree with my family listening to the Time/Life Christmas record. It makes me think of Michael Behe, and Dinesh D'Souza, and whatever other lackwit is getting up my nose that week. I don't want to sing along. I want to argue.

Nick_caveBut I'm really not thrilled about this. I'm very much hoping it's a phase. Again, there's a vast and wonderful world of religious music out there, and I don't want to get annoyed every time I hear it. If I can happily listen to Smokey Robinson sing about loving a girl he doesn't like very much, or Nick Cave sing about committing mass murder, I should bloody well be able to listen Johnny Cash or the Anonymous 4 sing about Jesus.

So I'm wondering: Have any of the godless people reading this blog ever had this happen? Did you get over it, or is it still a problem? How did you deal with it? This is bugging me, and any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

A Very Special Christmas Song. No, Really.

QueenIs this the Yuletide?
It's such a mystery
Will I be denied
Or will there be gifts for me?

Come down the stairs
Look under the tree and see...

It's December now, which means it's officially okay for me to start talking about Christmas. (Which I actually do like -- more on that in a separate post.) So here is my annual plug for the very best Christmas song ever:

Christmas Rhapsody, Pledge Drive's Christmas-themed parody of "Bohemian Rhapsody," written by my friend Tim Walters and his friend Steve Rosenthal.

It's absolutely dead-on. The lyrics, the performance, the production, everything. You will never be able to listen to "Bohemian Rhapsody" again without thinking of it... and without falling into fits of the giggles when you do.

Here's an MP3. Alas, there's no video; videographers who want to take on the challenge should contact Tim through his website.

Trust me on this one. Even if you hate Christmas. It is hilarious, and it is fucking brilliant. Just take my word for it.

And if youi like that, here's more Tim-related holiday music. My fave: the gothy, Dead-Can-Dance-ish version of Down In The Forest, described by Tim as "A dark and slightly confused Yuletide nightmare. It has something to do with the Fisher King. Maybe." Enjoy, and Happy Yule!

Atheism in Pop Culture Part 6: "Dear God" by XTC

Ingrid is going to love this one. It's the video of XTC's musical screed against religion, "Dear God." Video below the fold, since putting it above the fold screws up my archives.

Continue reading "Atheism in Pop Culture Part 6: "Dear God" by XTC" »

Nick Cave's "Into My Arms": Atheism in Pop Culture Part 5

Boatmans_callI really like this song by Nick Cave. It does a beautiful job of tapping into religious emotions and images and language, while still being entirely godless. And I love that it's a pop love song that begins with the line, "I don't believe in an interventionist God." It's from his record "The Boatman's Call," and it goes very much like this:

Into My Arms
by Nick Cave

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know darling that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms O Lord
Into my arms O Lord
Into my arms O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

Abbey Road or Let It Be? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Deathly_hallows_4_2WARNING -- SPOILERS!

Well, sort of.

I don't actually talk much about the details of the book in this post. But if you haven’t yet read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" and want to read nothing at all about it until you do, I suggest that you not read it -- especially since we might talk about the book in the comments.

LordoftheringsOnce upon a time, back in the old days of this blog when we were debating the relative merits of Harry Potter versus Lord of the Rings, I hit upon an analogy that I thought was very apt. I said that Harry Potter was like the Beatles and Lord of the Rings was like Wagner... and that, while I acknowledged that Wagner's music was certainly greater than that of the Beatles by whatever objective standards might exist, I still didn't personally like it. I still found it bombastic and heavy and humorless. I still enjoyed the Beatles more, by several orders of magnitude. And I believed that this was a reasonable and defensible position.

I still do, by the way.

Meet_the_beatlesSince then, I've carried this analogy quite a bit further. I think the Harry Potter books are, in fact, a lot like the Beatles -- something that started out as a well-done, tremendously fun, significantly-better-than-average bit of pop fluff that somehow tapped into a deep and wide vein in the culture, and that over time evolved into something more than that, into something that approached art -- often awkwardly and clumsily and with a reach that exceeded its grasp, but nevertheless exploring interesting deep waters with pleasure and skill, and worthy of serious attention and consideration. (While at the same time still hitting that deep vein of pure pop culture fun.)

A_hard_days_nightI even had specific books matched up with specific Beatles albums (although not one-to-one, obviously, since the Beatles made more than seven albums). The first three books are the happy, poppy, early Beatles, with Book Three, "Prisoner of Azkaban," being the pinnacle of that period in the same way that "A Hard Day's Night" is. Book Four, "Goblet of Fire," is the tired, fallow, grinding-it-out, "Beatles for Sale/Help!" low-point.

RevolverAnd Books Five and Six, "Order of the Phoenix/Half-Blood Prince," are the "starting to evolve and come into its own, as something new and worth paying serious attention to" books, a la "Rubber Soul," "Revolver," "Sgt. Pepper," and "White Album." (Ingrid points out that the analogy isn't perfect, since the musical equivalent of the long, rambling, confusing, self-indulgent battle scene at the end of Book Five would be a 17-minute guitar solo from Rush or Yes or Spinal Tap, something the Beatles never did... but on reflection, I think "Magical Mystery Tour" might count).

Abbey_roadLet_it_be_2So ever since I read Book Six, I've been waiting for Book Seven with some trepidation. Would it be "Abbey Road" (the last Beatles album recorded) -- a beautiful, inspired, nearly flawless example of the band at its best, and a grand and fitting note to go out on? Or would it be "Let It Be" (the last Beatles album released) -- a messy, sloppy, kind of sad anticlimax with a few high points?

Abbey_road_2I'm happy to report that "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" is Abbey Road. All the way.

It's not quite flawless, to be sure. It's certainly heir to many of Rowling's usual foibles, including long awkward exposition passages, important plot points that are confusing or poorly thought-out (the whole thing with the wands at the very very end I thought was total bullshit), and obvious sops to the audience.

Harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hall_2But on the whole, I think it's an extremely strong book. It's got action, romance, politics, philosophy, moral complexity, humor... all well-executed and in good balance. It's a serious page-turner -- I pretty much didn't do anything from the time I started it to the time I finished it except sleep, eat, and read. It’s even reasonably tight... well, for a Rowling book, anyway. And while the basic arc of the book is very much what you might expect, there are some serious surprises and shocks along the way.

I want to reserve final judgment until I've had time to let it gel (and until I've re-read it at least once). But right now, a day after finishing it, my initial assessment is: Best book in the series.

Geraldine Fibbers' "Richard": Atheism in Pop Culture

Geraldine_fibbersI've been paying attention lately to pop culture depictions of atheism. Not so much to the usual dumb stereotypes of atheists -- cynical, hyper-rational, dismissive of emotions, unable to make a leap of faith, yada yada yada -- but to pop culture that seems to be depicting an atheist or atheist-friendly viewpoint.

One that's been leaping out at me lately is the Geraldine Fibbers song "Richard," off their "Lost Somewhere Between The Earth and My Home" CD. The song as a whole is a "devil wreaking entertaining havoc" song, interestingly mashed-up as a lesbian love story with a happy ending. But the second verse is the one that's jumping out at me. At first listen, it plays like your basic obscure, enigmatic, magic realism. But when you remember that "fish" is/are a common symbol for Christ and Christianity, it all falls into place. The verse goes like this:

In an hour and a half the devil was down by the sea
working strange mischief on her bride to be.
Seems the pretty girl was laughing as her world was filled with doubt,
she laughed as her own head was chopped off
and the fish came spilling out.
Watching the fish swim into the sea through a river of red, she said,
"I've been wondering what's been troubling my head.
And I thank you for expelling those irritating pests,
now if you'd slap me back together I'll be at my very best,
and we can go you devil, we can go."

I just love it. Especially the girl laughing as her world is filled with doubt; going "I've been wondering what's been bugging me!" as the fish pour out of her head; and flirting with the devil-girl who cut off her head and emptied the fish out of it. I like this girl, and want to meet her. She's saucy.

Getting Older Means Never Having To Care About What's Cool

American_idol_logoA friend recently sent me a YouTube video clip from American Idol, and I was struck for about the eighty zillionth time by how out of touch I've become with contemporary pop culture.

People_magazineWhen I was in my twenties, it's not that I liked every top 40 recording artist or Top 10 movie. But I pretty much knew who or what most of them were. Now I look at this American Idol montage of celebrities lip-synching to Staying Alive, and I'm lucky if I can identify one out of three. Same with People Magazine. Not only do I not recognize the famous people, I don't even know who they are when it's explained to me. "Oh, she was in 'Five's a Crowd' for a season, and 'Houseboat Surprise,' and that miniature golf movie with Adam Sandler." Huh?

Now usually, my reaction to this has been, "Oh, I'm getting so very very old." I'm 45, and the world of pop culture is passing me by. Pop culture is aimed squarely at the 18-24 set, and I am losing my coolness by the minute. I am already less cool now than I was when I started this post.

But as I was watching this silly American Idol montage, it struck me: There's another reason I don't know who these people are.

I don't care.

Modern_brideWhen Ingrid and I were planning our wedding, I picked up some bridal magazine at the hairdresser's, and it had all this stuff about what bridesmaid's colors and cake flavors and honeymoon destinations were "in" this year. And I remember thinking, "It's your wedding! What could possibly be less relevant that what's 'in'? Who cares what colors and vacation spots other people like? It's your fucking wedding! What do you like?"

This_film_is_not_yet_ratedAnd that's the other side of getting older. As I've gotten older, I've gotten significantly better at just liking the things I like, and not giving a shit about whether they're cool. I like contra dancing, documentaries, cat-eye glasses, graphic novels, spanking porn, comfortable cotton clothing, Richard Dawkins, Harry Potter, atheist bloggers, weightlifting, The Office. And I don't give shit if any of it is on the Vice magazine What's Hot list.

Radiohead_ok_computerNow, I do resist some things about being a codger. I make a conscious effort, for instance, to listen to at least some music made by bands and musicians who are still playing. I never want to be one of those people who only listens to music they listened to in college... and who insists that popular music has all gone downhill since then. In fact, some of my favorite music -- Radiohead, Iron & Wine, Low, White Stripes, DJ Danger Mouse, Be Good Tanyas, yada yada yada -- is made by performers who are still playing.

MadonnaAnd it's not like the twenty-something people I know are mindless pop culture drones. They aren't; no more than I was when I was twenty-something. This isn't about liking or conforming to pop culture. It's about having a baseline familiarity with it. Knowing about it, having an opinion about it, having it be a reasonably big part of the world you walk in. That's what's changed. For me, anyway.

Circle_of_two_arrowsI'm not sure what's the cart and what's the horse. Do older people respond less to pop culture because it isn't aimed at us... or is pop culture not aimed at older people because we don't respond to it as much? The former is at least partly true; what with the whole disposable income thing, and our youth-obsessed culture in which young people set the trends.

ContraBut I think the latter may be true as well. Speaking for myself, getting older has meant getting to know myself and what I do and don't like better. And it's meant getting to know the world a little better and what it has to offer. I've seen more of the world's nooks and crannies than I had at 25, enough to have found ones that hold my interest more than the broader cultural brushstrokes. I know the world well enough to know that contra dancing is in it... and I know myself well enough to know that I think contra dancing is wicked cool. And I've wasted enough time in the past -- and have little enough of it left -- to waste any of it caring who Ryan Seacrest is.

Super Geek - the lyrics

Willow_rosenbergA friend asked me to send her the lyrics to this, and I realized I'd never posted it on my blog. It's dedicated to all the hot geek girls I know. Who are legion. You know who you are.

Super Geek
by Greta Christina

She's a very geeky girl
The kind you cheat off of in math class
And she will never let her teachers down
Once she takes her SAT's

She likes the boys in the chess club
She says that Spassky is her favorite
When she makes a move, it's rook takes bishop, check-mate
She's very hard to beat

The girl is pretty bright now
(The girl's a Super Geek)
The kind of girl you read about
(In Omni Magazine)
The girl is pretty brainy
(The girl's a Super Geek)
I'd really like to test her
(Every time we meet)
She's alright, she's alright, she's alright with me, yeah
She's a Super Geek, Super Geek, she's super-geeky

She's a very special girl
From her glasses to her Oxfords
And she will help me study AP math and physics
And AP bio, too

"Live long and prosper"'s what she says
"Back in the chem lab I'll be waiting"
When I get there, she's got Number Two pencils
It's such a geeky scene

The girl is pretty bright now
(The girl's a Super Geek)
The kind of girl you read about
(In Omni Magazine)
The girl is pretty brainy
(The girl's a Super Geek)
I'd really like to test her
(Every time we meet)
She's alright, she's alright, she's alright with me, yeah
She's a Super Geek, Super Geek, she's super-geeky

P.S. For those of you who don't know, the pic is of Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I tried to find a picture of her looking really nerdy, but most of the pics I found in the Internet were of the later, more stylish Willow. This was the nerdiest one I could find.

It's Not Fair! The Helsinki Complaints Choir

It's official: This is the funniest thing I've seen online all week.

It's the Helsinki Complaints Choir. And it's exactly what that sounds like. (BTW, the video isn't really eight and a half minutes long -- it's more like six and a half, for some reason there's two minutes of blank space at the end.)

Apparently this complaints choir thing is a growing and worldwide artistic movement. If you go to YouTube and do a search on "complaints choir" (or just go to the complaints choir website -- damn, i love this century!), you'll find a bunch. But the Finnish one is by far the best. I think my favorite complaint in the whole song (probably because I was just talking about it) is "Old forests are cut down and turned into toilet paper/And still all the toilets are always out of paper." It sounds so lyrical and haunting in Finnish!

Thanks to Pharyngula for the tip... and for the hilarious conversation afterward. We really need to get the Atheist Complaints Choir going!

Fingertips! Buffy the Vampire Slayer and They Might Be Giants

If you're not a fan of both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and They Might Be Giants, this will probably make absolutely no sense to you at all. But if you are, you're going to love it. A friend sent it to me: it's called "21 Vidlets About Buffy the Vampire Slayer," and it... well, just enjoy.

I think my favorite is "What's that blue thing doing here?"

A Very Special Christmas Song. No, Really.

QueenIs this the Yuletide?
It's such a mystery
Will I be denied
Or will there be gifts for me?

Come down the stairs
Look under the tree and see...

This is the best Christmas song ever. It's Pledge Drive's Christmas-themed parody of "Bohemian Rhapsody," written by my friend Tim Walters and his friend Steve Rosenthal. And it's absolutely dead-on -- the lyrics, the performance, the production, everything. You will never be able to listen to "Bohemian Rhapsody" again without thinking of it... and without falling into fits of the giggles when you do. You can listen to an MP3 here:

http://www.doubtfulpalace.com/artists/PledgeDrive/XmasRhap.mp3

And you can listen to/download more Tim-related holiday music here:

http://www.doubtfulpalace.com/artists/Holiday/index.html

Trust me on this one. Even if you hate Christmas. It is hilarious, and it is fucking brilliant. Just take my word for it.

Why I Like the Loud Family

Interbabe_concernThere's this Loud Family song that's been stuck in my head off and on for weeks now. It’s called "Not Expecting Both Contempo and Classique," and it starts thus:

Admiring paper on my wall
How many really take the time?
There may not seem that much creative latitude
But that's the challenge of design

The curves intuitively know
Which aspects of nouveau to save
Without succumbing to the full devouring will
Of Aubrey Beardsley in his grave

I'm not expecting that I'll end up with you just because I need to...

Now. Compare this to the song "Flowers On the Wall" by the Statler Brothers (which I assume the Loud Family song is referencing):

Counting flowers on the wall
That don't bother me at all...

You may notice the main difference between the two songs. The Statler Brothers dispatch with the "staring at the wall" experience in two lines -- while the Loud Family spends an entire two verses exploring it. It’s not 'til the chorus that they even touch on the lonely-sad-love-song stuff.

Why do I like this?

SalomeI like this for a couple of reasons. And it's not just the fact that they worked Aubrey Beardsley into a pop song. I like it because it actually conveys the experience it's referring to, instead of just referring to it. I mean, whenever I'm staring at the wallpaper in a blue funk, I'm not just staring blankly -- I have long, elaborate thought processes about the wallpaper pattern. Mine tend not to be reflections on design and design history -- they tend instead to focus on the details of the geometric patterns, with obsessive-compulsive-ish ruminations about how well the panels of paper do or don't join up. But I do get completely lost in morbidly detailed thoughts about the actual wallpaper itself. And by spending two entire verses closely examining the experience of staring at wallpaper -- by "really taking the time" -- that's what these verses get across.

Perhaps more importantly, I like how non-generic it is. So many pop songs -- especially pop songs about love -- try to connect with the audience by making their lyrics as general and lowest-common-denominator as possible. "I'm in love and I'm happy," "He/she doesn't love me and I'm sad." Everyone knows how that feels, right?

FeelingsBut I don't think that works. One of the great paradoxes of art is that you often make a better connection with your audience by making your detail more specific rather than less. Detail is one of the best ways to make an experience seem more vivid, more real. Even if the audience can't identify with those specific details, the details make it easier to feel what the artist is feeling -- and to find the similar feeling in yourself. When lyrics are generic, of course you can identify with them -- but the connection is shallow, and you forget about it five minutes later. (Obviously you can go too far in the other direction with self-absorbed navel-gazing... but even that's usually more interesting than "My boyfriend left me and I'm sad.")

Plants_and_birdsAlso, the Loud Family just rocks. They're one of those rare pop bands that can walk the slender balance beam between smart art and fun accessibility: between music you can listen to closely with serious attention and deep satisfaction, and music you can happily bench-press to when it comes up on your shuffle at the gym. If you haven't already, check them out.

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