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Jason Thibeault

I've worried the same about voicing my opinions about sex and sexuality. No matter how much of an egalitarian I am, if I had voiced my concerns, I feel as though I'd have been discounted. The fact that a woman had to make the case first, kind of makes me sad.

Thanks Greta!


I feel this particular theme you mention has impacted my personal sex life.

Namely, I find the thought of exposing my kinks and Domination fantasies to people frightening. Whenever I think about doing so I get tense and tight inside.

Honestly, I feel ashamed that I am so scared. I believe fully in sex positivism, and the rule of GGG. Even as I advocate for these social mores in a political way, on a personal level I freeze.

I think that the fact that I have fantasies of Domination, rather than submission, make this issue particularly keen. When you first posted this on Blowfish, I mentioned the meme of "men as predators." Dominatrixes are not seen as real threats, even with whips in hand. I do not sense the same comfort with men in a sexually dominant position.

All this leaves my petrified at the thought of sharing my kinks with potential sex partners. Will the reject me? Think me a perv? Or worst of all, become frightened of me?

I can't bear the possibility.


Nathaniel, have you ever looked for websites, or associations of people dedicated to this sort of thing? It seems to me you would be much more likely to find people there who understand the nature of your kink and will not be immediately afraid of it.

I suppose other people will be able to offer better advice in this regard: I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in BDSM or power-play during sex, so I only know what I hear from Dan Savage and Greta when they talk about such things.

chicago dyke

i'm just leaving a stupid, reactionary comment, but:

because men are mostly stimulated by visual. women are stimulated by other stuff, including 'serious, intellectual' writing. ymmv. some women like visual, but way more women than men like text/written.

Greta Christina

chicago dyke: Interesting point, and I've seen research suggesting that it's often true. But it kind of just begs the question. Why should written erotica be considered high-quality, and visual erotica be considered trash? There's good, high-quality, artistic- merit visual porn in the world (photos, video -- and check out my Best Erotic Comics series!) And Loki knows there's plenty of written porn that's mediocre or worse.

So why should the latter be seen as classier than the former -- unless it's because the latter is more of a women's genre, and the former is more of a men's genre?

Greta Christina

Nathaniel: I feel for you. I wish I had some good specific advice for you that would fit into a comment.

I can tell you that there are female masochists/ submissives out there, who stand a good chance of wanting what you have to offer. (Assuming that you're otherwise personable and sane, which you seem to be.) As a general rule, I think you're right that women who want to top men are not seen as a threat in the same way as men who want to top women... but there are plenty of exceptions.

And as Valhar2000 said, you'd probably do well trying to seek out those exceptions. Check out kink communities, online or in person. You can make contact with women who have simpatico desires... and talk to other straight male tops about how they deal with these issues. (And don't get discouraged if you don't click with the first community you find: there are lots of online kink communities, and they're not all created equal.)


Hmm is that a book? Dirty secrets?
I just wondering...

Patrick Julius

Well, I try. I think it's easier for queer men to get away with (which is why Dan Savage can do it). But I'm bi, so I can at least offer some reflections on the male-female dimension. Bi men are often accused of being vectors of infection from the gay community to the straight community---for once I'd like that infection to be memetic rather than biological.

For instance, I just wrote a post questioning what the concept of a "sex object" means and what it contributes to feminist discourse:

Patrick Julius

By the way, maybe it's a quibble, but I object to the word "top" being used to mean the dominant role in a BDSM relationship. The word for that should be "dom", not "top".

It already had a well-defined meaning, and that's the mechanical position of penetration in a gay pairing. We could use it by analogy to indicate the typical position of heterosexual intercourse, whereas "bottom" in a straight couple would mean pegging.

The presumption is that all tops are dom, but this is simply not the case.

I am a top-leaning vers who is also a sub-leaning switch. So while I would sometimes be dom/top, I'd more often be sub/top.

Nathaniel is a dom, not a top; well, I guess he's also a top (unless he likes to get pegged?), but for completely different reasons.

Greta Christina

Patrick, with all due respect, you don't get to single-handedly define this language for everyone else. The use of the word "top" to mean "dominant" or "sadistic" as well as "penetrative partner in gay male pairing" is widely-used and well-established: you may not personally like it, but it's not incorrect.

I personally like the fluidity of this language. And I think it's entirely appropriate, since our sexual practices are fluid -- there are different uses for the word "top" because there are so many different ways to top. But my likes and dislikes aren't the issue here, either. Language means what the people using it understand it to mean. And you are not the only person using the language.

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