25 Things I Want (In Bed)

Very important note: This piece discusses my personal sexual fantasies and desires, in a significant amount of detail. More than usual. Family members and others who don't want to read about that stuff are strongly advised to not read this one. Thanks. This piece was originally published on the Blowfish Blog.

I am stealing this idea shamelessly from Adam Savage of "Mythbusters." Savage did a reading at a recent Writers With Drinks event, a piece titled (if memory serves) "100 Things I Want." You might think a piece like that would be self-involved, even whiny, interesting to nobody on Earth but the reader himself. But it was fascinating. It was inspiring. It was a loving and hilarious anthem to optimism, to possibility, to the goofy marvel of the human imagination. And giving it that extra techno- magic- realism touch, it was a whirlwind blend of things that are physically impossible, things that could only happen if Savage devoted his entire life to them, and things that would be entirely within his reach with just a little effort.

But in a freakishly glaring omission, not one of the 100 things on Adam Savage's list was about sex. (Yeah, I know. Not everyone likes to parade their sexual desires in public. Weirdos.)

So I got inspired. And I decided to share my own list -- and keep it entirely sexual. Like adding "in bed" to a fortune cookie fortune. I hope you find it funny and inspiring, and not self-involved and pointlessly confessional.

Quick set of rules: I'm limiting my list to things I genuinely would want to do -- or at least that I think I'd want to do -- not just things I fantasize about. I'm limiting it to things I either have never done, or haven't done in a long, long time. This isn't about my sex life: it's about my sexual mind, the places my sexual desires go when unfettered by practicality. And due to space considerations, I'm limiting myself to 25.

*

I want to get spanked until I cry.

I want to have sex on gym equipment.

I want to watch two guys fuck. (I've done this, actually; but it was years ago, and besides it was at a sex party so it kind of doesn't count. I want to watch two guys have sex where I'm the only one watching.)

I want, at least once in my life, to have groupies. At least one groupie. I want to go on a book tour or a speaking engagement and have admiring fans throw themselves at me sexually.

I want to be able to sprout a functioning penis at will. (And, of course, to be able to make it disappear when I'm done with it.)

Pursuant to that: I want to be able to shapeshift. I want to split my tongue in two like a snake and wrap it around someone's clit. I want to sprout extra hands, so I can pin someone down while I spread them open and fingerfuck them. I want to transform my arms and legs into tentacles and violate someone in all their holes, like a demon in a Japanese anime porno.

I want to get violated by a tentacled demon in a Japanese anime porno.

I want to spend an entire day devoted solely to sex. I don't want to spend the entire day having sex -- I think that would be exhausting and ultimately unpleasant -- but I want to have a day where sex is the entire agenda. Having sex, talking about sex, reading about sex, writing about sex, eating sexy food, watching porn, having sex some more.

I want to lie back in the arms of a lover, who's holding my arms and holding me down, while a vampire sucks my blood and then licks my clit with my blood on his tongue.

I want to act out a Christian domestic discipline fantasy. I want to pretend to be a good Christian wife, getting punished by my husband for being disobedient and not respecting his dominion over me as the Lord commands. With both of us desperately pretending to ourselves that this isn't about sex.

I want to get caned while saying ten Hail Marys. (And I wasn't even brought up Catholic.)

I want to act out a baron/ servant girl scene, in which I'm the baron. I want the fantasy scenario to be one in which she theoretically could leave, but desperately needs the job and feels that she can't. I want to sit her down next to me, pull her onto my lap, begin to get inappropriate with my hands, while I explain how things are done in my home. I then want to punish her, in increasingly brutal, increasingly sexual ways, on the flimsiest of excuses, for offenses that are essentially made up. I want to tell her that it's not enough to punish her by beating and humiliating her: I have to punish her by raping her. And then I want to rape her.

(Not for real, obviously. As part of the role-play. Just so we're clear on that.)

I want to have sex with someone I'm telepathic with. I want to feel what they're feeling having sex with me, and have them feel what I'm feeling having sex with them. I think the "infinite regress of two reflecting mirrors" thing could be really hot.

I want to spank someone who's never been spanked before.

I want to spank someone who is much younger than me. Legal age, duh… but young enough to feel like they're not.

I want to get punished for not knowing enough about the current news.

(Okay. I think I need to explain that one. I've always been gun-shy about playing with punishment, it's a heavily loaded issue for me... but I'm getting increasingly intrigued by it. But I don't want to be punished for something real and important, like missing deadlines or breaking promises. I already feel like a guilt- ridden failure at the drop of a hat. At the same time, I don't think I could take it seriously if I were getting punished for something ridiculously trivial like not folding my T-shirts right, or for some totally fake fantasy misdeed like not doing my spelling homework. Hence, not knowing enough about the current news. It's real, and I think it's important… but it's not going to crush my spirit if I get lectured and punished for fucking it up. And it would make watching the news kind of dirty.)

I want to have sex in the back of a moving truck.

I want to have sex in a castle.

I want to have vicious, brutal, unspeakably filthy sex with Severus Snape. (Yeah, I know. Me and fifty million other people. I'm not embarrassed at how perverse this one is. I'm embarrassed at how trite it is.)

I want to watch people having wild, intense sex… while I'm tied to a chair, unable to participate or even touch myself.

I want to be the center of attention in a gang bang.

I want to have a sex buddy with whom I only have sex. Show up at their place; do it like rabbits; leave. Don't ever see them until the next time we fuck. Don't ever talk about anything else.

I want to have sex that feels non-consensual, even though it's not.

I want to have bruises from a spanking that last more than a day.

I want to act out one of my erotic stories with someone. In every detail. I'm not sure which story; I'm not even sure it matters. I just want to know what it feels like to be inside one of the scenarios that I've spent so much time and care fleshing out.

*

I think that's enough for one day.

So what about you? What do you want?

Comments

[Nonreligious Nerd]

You've got me thinking about my fantasies now. Many are quite similar to your own.

[Demonhype]

Ditto.

And yet, I'd have trouble itemizing them out like that publicly. Partly because I'm a little worried about getting stalked by someone who is genuinely dangerous (not just harmlessly perverse like me!), but also because of that inevitable feeling that these things are horribly wrong things that mean there is something wrong with me, and I should go to any lengths to keep them strictly private.

Come to think of it, those two reasons might actually be related enough to count as one. (assuming by default that someone with my own kinks is most likely a dangerous person, that is). I could be wrong though--first time I thought about it!

At any rate, it was great to read this and find out I'm not alone there!

[Elaine]

I'd like someone I am limerent about to reciprocate.

I'd like that to happen before the Heat Death of the Universe.

Pretty simple, I guess. Definitely fantasy.

[Maria]

I want to watch two guys fuck.

Oh yes! So much!! :-)

[DSimon]

I gathered something of the wrong idea when I saw the title of your piece and then immediately spotted Adam Savage's face at the top of the article. :-)

[Serena]

HAWT!

[Anonymous for this one.]

I want to have sex with someone I'm telepathic with. I want to feel what they're feeling having sex with me, and have them feel what I'm feeling having sex with them. I think the "infinite regress of two reflecting mirrors" thing could be really hot.

Creative! Impossible, of course, but very creative. I like it.

[Joe]

Elaine: what in the world do you mean by "limerent"? That "word" is not in the dictionary, and I cannot figure out what you mean by it.

[Blake Stacey]

Wikipedia sez, "Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessional form of romantic love."

[SS]

I just need to add this general comment: Greta, you are such a fantastic writer. I've been following some of your stuff since your Spectator days, and I can never decide whether I like your ideas or your sentences more. Thanks,

Scott Small
Managing Editor
Buttman Magazine

[Seth]

I want, at least once in my life, to have groupies. At least one groupie. I want to go on a book tour or a speaking engagement and have admiring fans throw themselves at me sexually.

After reading through a large chunk of your blog, I'm finding your writings (especially on atheism) so incredibly good that I'd be tempted. Thank you for bringing more reasonable discourse into a world of oft unreasonable people.