Top Ten Other Catastrophes That Fundamentalists Blame On Gay People

So, as you may have already read, Christian Civil League of Maine Executive Director Michael Heath has recently written that the cause of the current U.S. financial crisis is -- not deregulation, not unchecked greed, not insane short-sightedness on the part of the financial muckety-mucks, but...

...wait for it...

...gay people.

No, really.

More specifically, God's wrath at gay people.

In yet another example of God's spectacularly lousy aim. (I mean, if he was trying to punish the sinfully homosexual San Francisco in the 1989 earthquake, why was the overwhelmingly heterosexual Marina district hit the hardest, and the overwhelmingly homosexual Castro district left relatively unharmed?)

So since gay people seem to have such astonishing power to destroy (our secret is out at last! Now I'll have to kill you all!), I thought I'd come up with a list of the Top Ten Other Catastrophes That Fundamentalists Blame On Gay People.

10: The Chicago Cubs.

9: The fact that your cousin ran out of liquor at his bachelor party.

8: The ultimate heat-death of the universe. (Or the ultimate Big Freeze of the universe. Take your pick.)

7: The fact that, after having lived in this apartment for three years, Ingrid and I still have a storage room piled full of unpacked boxes. (No, wait. That is the fault of gay people.)

6: The death of a third to a half of the population of Europe in the Middle Ages due to the Black Death. Retroactively. Our power for evil is so vast, and God's wrath towards it is so massive, that it can strike backwards in time.

5: "Star Wars," Episodes 1-3.

4: Austin Scarlett getting voted off "Project Runway," and Wendy Pepper making it to the final three at Bryant Park.

3: The fact that Jane Austen only wrote seven complete novels.

2: The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919. (No kidding. Look it up.)

And the Number One catastrophe that fundamentalists blame on gay people:

1: The cancellation of "Firefly."

Please chime in with your own suggestions!

Comments

[Michael Fridman]

You're forgetting the ultimate injustice -- entropy. You leave something complex in the sun for a few years and it gets ruined. Is this because of heteros? I think not!

[Felicia Gilljam]

Michael, I think that's sorta included in number 8.

[Roi des Foux]

For many of the most rabid homophobes: Making it harder for them to pretend that they're straight.

[arensb]

A Google search for the phrase "I blame gays for" turns up some interesting answers:

People blame gays for…

• slavery
• gay marriage
• ruining all the cool guy stuff
• EVERY BAD THING THAT HAPPENS
• that last post

Can I blame gays for the ants in my yard?: I have several closets, but the yard isn't in any of them. Many gays are out of the closet. Therefore, the ants in the yard are gay. QED.

(National Geographic and Raunchy Video team up to present Sister Ant: Hot Queen-on-Queen Action)

[Berlzebub]

Armageddon!! And not the horendously bad movie either. Since everything bad is a sign of the "end times" that pretty much covers the top ten you listed, and any other catastrophes you can come up with.

You can even blame the gays on it not happening. In order for Revelation to come true, the homosexual population has to reach a critical mass. Since those damn gays don't reproduce, the percentage is holding steady. So, if we ever see a mass increase in the homosexual population, be on the lookout for Nicolae Carpathia to run for World President.

On the plus side, those of us who consider Revelations to be a really bad acid trip can blame those terrible Left Behind books on Armageddon, too.

It's a win/win.

[absent sway]

America's obesity epidemic. Must be the gays. For every gay couple that has married in California, I have had the irresistible urge to eat an extra candy bar.

[Ebonmuse]

Obviously, Sarah Palin's terrible showing in interviews is the fault of gay people. She's constantly using so much of her brainpower thinking up new ways to oppress gays for Jesus, she just can't spare the neurons to come up with intelligent responses to simple policy questions!

[traumerin]

The pathetic state of Amtrak and public transportation in America. It must be the queers' fault if the trains don't run on time...

[Tommykey]

Greta, how could you leave out 9/11? Gay rights is one of the reasons bin Laden wants to destroy us, otherwise we'll spread teh gay to the Muslim world.

[Seth Manapio]

I'd contribute, but I just recently ended a long email conversation with a man who claimed that most serial killers are gay. No. Really. I did.

Hmm... OJ. Definitely the gays fault.

[Shane]

Don't forget AIDS!

[The Perky Skeptic]

The End-Cretaceous Mass Extinction.

(Big gay asteroid meets big gay planet earth! Their hawt gay lovin' wipes out the dinosaurs.)

[Russ]

I blame the gays for the fact that my auto tire gauge keeps coming on despite putting air in my tires.

Damn you gays!

[Lori]

Actually, Jane Austen only wrote six complete novels. And why not seven? Clearly, this is your fault.

[Greta Christina]

Actually, Jane Austen only wrote six complete novels.

Nope. Seven.

Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Mansfield Park
Emma
Northanger Abbey
Persuasion...

...and the little- known -- and in my opinion, vastly under- appreciated -- Lady Susan.

(Wikipedia has Lady Susan listed under Juvenilia, and other sources list it as a "minor work." But it was probably written when she was at least 18. And IMO, it kicks the sorry ass of "Mansfield Park" up one side and down the other. It's actually my third favorite novel of hers, after "Pride and Prejudice" and "Persuasion.")

And the fact that more people don't know about "Lady Susan"?

Clearly the gays' fault.

[Rebecca]

Don't forget: the gays are in it with the aliens.

[ineptshieldmaid]

Black_Death 6: The death of a third to a half of the population of Europe in the Middle Ages due to the Black Death. Retroactively. Our power for evil is so vast, and God's wrath towards it is so massive, that it can strike backwards in time.

Retroactively? Can't we blame it on 14th century homosexuals? (Or sodomites, as the term would be.)

Here are some things in which gays, or the act of gay sex, were implicated in in the fourteenth century:

* The corruption of the Templar order (no seriously, you should see the trial papers. Did you have intimate relations with your fellow brothers? Did you let your brothers have intimate relations with you? What KIND of relations?)

* Probably the loss of the Holy Land, via the corruption of the Templars.

* The general decay of the feudal/heroic ethos (see Sir Gawain and the Green Knight- if that's not fear of the homosexual corrupting the homosocial, I don't know what is).

* The dangerousness of women, generally. Or possibly dangerous women are manipulating the homosocial toward the homosexual. See also Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

* Florence. Generally. All about the sodomy and other vices. I'd say it was other people being jealous of their wealth, only the Florentines actually did sodomise each other with great enthusiasm, and are on their own town records as saying so.

[Nenya]

Of all the items listed in the main post, I think the last one is the only one that really scares me! :D

Gay people: makin' us slash Inara/Kaylee since 2002!

[Nes]

7: The fact that, after having lived in this apartment for three years, Ingrid and I still have a storage room piled full of unpacked boxes. (No, wait. That is the fault of gay people.)

Oh, I see, so you're to blame for my storage room of unpacked boxes... this explains it all!

[sabrina]

Woah, hold up. You guys got Firefly canceled? Can I get my donation for no on prop8 back? I mean, terrorist attacks, bubonic plague, earthquakes, financial disasters are one thing...but Firefly...thats just too much :)

[mythago]

So that's why the puppy widdled on the carpet this morning. DAMN YOU, GAY PEOPLE!