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Let me see if I can explain my reasons for wanting to be punished in an S&M sense. It's hard, because everything is still in fantasy stage for me - lots of thinking and no doing means that everything is theoretical.

In a lot of ways, I'm a Dominant. I like having control, and I would love to have control in a sexual situation. I'm so meek in general, but I feel a certain part of me is devoted to confidence. I think that if I can be taught, I'd be a great Domme. However, I'm also a masochist. As far as I know, I've been a masochist to some degree since I was little. I like pain. One might say that I'm addicted to it, otherwise I wouldn't have such an endorphin jones from my trichotillomania, among other things. I believe that pain, in a certain context, is perfectly fine. I've had to think about this a lot and create boundaries, especially since I also have depression and sometimes hurt myself for the wrong reasons. When you have that, it's harder to distinguish the right reasons. But that's really personal and specific, and we won't touch on that.

However, I also have a guilt complex the size of New Jersey. I can't pinpoint any reason or driving force that made me this way. As far as I remember, this is how I've always been. In that way, being a submissive and being punished might also be very dangerous for me... with the wrong person. I think it would involve complete trust, which is hard for me, but part of my problem is that I can never get into the headspace of going through the guilt to its conclusion. Maybe if I can allow myself to switch sometimes with someone who I trust completely to take care of me, a punishment scenario may be what's best for me when I feel an acute attack of guilt. It would give me the permission to let go of my obsessive need for controlling myself. It plays with my own false acknowledgment of needing to be punished, but it would work through it rather than practicing avoidance.

Comments? I'm not sure whether I explained it well.


On this subject, I recently came across this article:

Pay special attention to the second and third paragraphs - they seem to have an odd definition of "sexual problems."


For me, S&M is very much about handing over the power to someone else for a while; in my everyday life I'm incredibly opinionated and obnoxious to the point of arrogance and I know I am, and it makes me feel pretty bad about myself a lot of the time. Submitting to someone else is an opportunity to let them take control and take me down a peg or two, so to speak, especially if there's an element of humiliation in what's happening. That's why most of what I do in that sense includes an idea that I'm being punished in some way. It allows that sense of self-control to be entirely taken away from me for a while, and while I agree that can be dangerous for some people, I find it relaxing and an amazing turn on.

Incidentally I only started reading this blog a couple of weeks ago and I'm enjoying it mightily. Just thought I'd let you know. x

Sissy Panty Buns

You describe what the turn ons are so well. Which is the greatest turn on? Knowing you want to punish me? Knowing that you can and might enjoy helping make me famous sharing the photos I posted of myself in my ladies_full_brief_panties-male_modeled-back_view The realization that it might happen or will happen or has happened? Knowing you have power over me? Knowing that you are going to do it? Knowing and remembering how you got pleasure, satisfaction and amusement out of my pain and embarrassment? I think it might be the greatest turn on knowing you have the power to do it again and will use it.

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