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Wow, insightful!

I've had the same questions (although not nearly as often), and had similar responses. I can go on about the anatomy of the buttocks and the healing power of the body's largest chunk of well-vascularized muscle tissue, but thank you for taking a step back and translating the message for me.

"I'm afraid I'll enjoy hurting her" is a whole different issue. "I'm afraid of hurting her because I might want to do it too much" is an entirely different concern.

It could be an unnecessarily repressed urge, that still has to have the pressure let off gently to avoid accidents of overenthusiasm with multiple wet suits, or there could be some real emotional dynamite there.

The subtext could be "it reminds me of what my dad did before mom left him for the battered women's shelter."

I still think it's worth making some effort to overcome the hesitation for your partner's sake, but sometimes it's just too big a problem.

It's like a (recovered, hopefully) alcoholic dating an oenophile. There are some pleasures that they're just going to have to not share.

This deserves a whole chapter in a how-to book. Have Janet and Dossie already written it?

On a more amusing note, I'm reminded of a story about Elf and Omaha many years ago. She gets very into role-play, and when it took four large "guards" to drag the furiously struggling "french underground" agent into the "interrogation room" for the scene, the DMs got asked "is this really consensual?" a lot.


Thanks! That helps me make a lot of sense about some things.

I can enjoy certain levels of B&D play, but only when it's definitely a "willing slave" scenario. "Rape" play is somewhere I just can't go, or maybe it's more that I just don't want to go there.

I think a lot of it is that I'm a big bloke, tall and strong. I _can_ overpower most women. And it's not something I _want_ to do, and like you say, not something I want to find myself enjoying.

I must admit that I don't like "Lolita" fashion for much the same reason. I'm attracted to adult women (and some men). Adult women dressing up to resemble children just confuses my sexual responses.


A few years ago I was at the communion party for my friend's son. She had hired a party clown to entertain the kids. The clown was a woman. While I was watching her, I suddenly got this bizarre thought of what it would be like to have sex with a woman dressed up as a clown. My wife is rather conservative, so I don't think I could ever get her to do that.

As for the spanking thing, it is just not in my personal nature to do that.


Uh, maybe you all are just seriously overthinking this. Maybe the men (and certainly woman as well) just don't get off on this. They don't like it. Some of us are just, well, vanilla. Mmmmm. Vanilla. I, for example, after leaving a resolutely repressive religion was more than happy to discover any fun kinks in my, ah, armor. How embarrasing to find out that I'm definitely on the no toppings on my sundae side of the aisle.

Taste, people.

Greta Christina

You make an interesting point, djinn. But I think there's a difference between just not being that into spanking... and actively resisting it because the idea squicks you.

I think most people, if there's something they're not all that into but their partner really is, would go along with it at least sometimes to make their partner happy, as long as it doesn't actively squick them. (And if they don't, they should...) What I'm reading in the letters to the sex columnists isn't "eh, not my thing." It's active, "I don't want to go there" squicky resistance.


I can offer myself as an example of what Djinn just said: I just plain don't like spanking. It's not sexy, and it just gets in the way.

I suppose I could try doing it, if it really is important to my partner, but I do wonder if sex with someone who has wants so different from my own could work well.

That said, I've never actually been asked to spank anyone.


I guess the fact that there are some things that even sexually adventurous types like Greta find taboo is exactly what makes such scenes attractive for others.


I think you helped me understand my qualms with spanking. Sometimes she likes it and I do it to appease her, but I have to sort of escape into my head before doing it, or else I fear too much that the inner sadist in me will peek out. It's not that I have a dark history or nagging need for sadism, but I can conceive of how it would be possible for someone to come to enjoy such a thing and I don't particularly want that for myself.

You get a different perspective on life when you grow up with a single mother and sister, and part of what has stuck with me is the desire never to be out of control or otherwise emotionally engaged in the harming of a woman.

Thanks for your insight.

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